Ego

Saturday turned out to be a very interesting day indeed.

My concentration was on the Hobbits and celebrating their 6th birthday. His concentration was on points scoring and trying to play the martyr.

I called his bluff you see. While he was having a conversation on the phone, or rather hysterics on the phone that had no real relation to what I was actually saying but would play out well for listening ears (i.e. her) I gave him a plan he couldn't possibly fault.

My plans for their birthday were during the day. He could very easily take them out that evening for dinner. Once he had gone through the script for her benefit, a script I recognise from when he used to be on the phone to his family and I felt so sorry for him as they "seemed" to be giving him such a tough time, he saw sense. The next part of the script was an over-exaggerated effort into making plans, rushing about with timetables for the cinema to take them to see The Bee Movie. Oh how I recognised every last part of what he did, it does work because it fooled me for far too long.

We met near Edinburgh, it is so strange that I see through this farce now. I can see exactly what is going to happen and when and know that he has changed not one jot. He was all happy and thankful to me for letting him do this. I remind him he is the boys father and he has a right even though he makes a joke of it most of the times. I even warned the boys to be on good behaviour with her, and told him that to expect me to ask the boys to welcome her was a bit much. That is his job, then again when has he done anything.

For once he didn't try and tap me for money. Well, after their gifts to each other of tom-tom for him and iPhone for her it would sound a little hollow to then mention they have only £40 to live on until his pay date. So that would mean she is as bad with money as he is. (I still want to ask if he calls her materialistic for having a house, which is what I was accused of for wanting one.)

His return was even more entertaining. The boys are happy, sleepy and contented. Eldest behaved himself but youngest still blanks her - how is this my problem? As he carries boys and presents in she suddenly appears. Of course having a couple of hours to relax I just had to be in my jammies and dressing gown for this part. I stand in the hallway, blocking entrance into the rest of the house which is a tip of new toys.

I say not a word to her, he babbles on about this and that. Luckily they leave quickly.

I wonder if she thought I would invite her in for tea and biscuits?

One thing annoying, or even more annoying. They received gifts from her aunt and uncle, on the card they wrote "from Aunt Ixxxx and Uncle Jxxxx." It seems petty but they are not relations. They have never met the boys, according to him though I don't really believe him. It would seem she is from an over-friendly family. It might be stroppy on my account but I really do not like that attitude. Be nice to my boys by all means but they won't call you aunt and uncle unless you are an actual relation. It pisses me off and he knows that.

Sod this - bring on 2008

At Least We Have Our Health

Correction, at least the boys have their health. I should have known better, superstitious soul that I am (there is no point in denying it!) Not to make that appointment in the last gasp of this year.

So back to the hospital I will have to go, reluctantly but I am heeding this warning.

I need to stop rushing around trying to do everything, be everything, trying to prove myself to the world. I need to stop because the most important thing in the world is me being there for the boys. Never mind anything else, never mind disappointing anyone else. I have but two main responsibilities in my life and if I don't slow down I won't be there for them.

Before now I would have been upset, stressed and worried when the doctor decided to refer me. I find that the strength I never thought I had is carrying me through this. The boys' birthday is in two days and whereas before this would have been playing on my mind it has been locked away. No point worrying until the surgeon sees me.

I take it as a sign, a big, blinky neon sign to forget trying to justify myself to people and to take care of the most important things...which are we three.

It will be a Merry Christmas.

He will only spoil it if I let him. And that won't happen.

Priority

He phones to say he will bring the boys' presents over on Christmas eve. The olive branch is offered once more for Christmas morning.

No, says he, it has to be 7am or nothing as he has "other things to do" on that day.

Priorities, he has them. Just not in the right order.

I probably sound awful, denying him the right to turn up here first thing on Christmas morning. It will be a long enough day for me, the trek over to my parents, having to cook the lunch and do everything on my own as usual while everyone else gets to enjoy the day. I think I'll stay at home next year and go to my parents on Christmas eve as it ends up with the day itself being just one long rush and endurance test. Then again I'll feel guilty because at my dad's age there might not be too many Christmases together left. And He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named thinks his life is complex.

I still get mail for him now and again, demands from various debt collectors. I always pass them on but it is obvious he is not dealing with them. It would feel better if it wasn't the case where I won't have enough money to cover the bills at the end of the month. One day I shall look back upon all this as a life lesson, it is just so difficult to live through not knowing when the end is in sight.

I Am Not Going To Win

No matter what I do. That was probably obvious to everyone but me. I swear I can be so dumb sometimes.

I phone today, to try and build a bridge. I do not want it ever to be said I kept his sons from him, I do not want to give him that ammunition. So once again I make the first move. I repeat inside that I am doing it for them, because if it were not for the fact he was their father then I would gladly wipe him out of my life entirely (well once he had paid off what he owes that is.)

He complains that I won't let him arrive at 7am (yes *7*am) but ask that he comes at 9. You see I will have let the boys open all their presents by then. This despite the fact I told him I would get them dressed and give them breakfast and start the grand opening once he had arrived.

It is disarming to have someone believe a lie about you, a lie they created. He has convinced himself I am what he says I am.

What do I do next? He says he'll think about coming Christmas morning but I don't really care if he does or not - the fact is that I said he was still able to come (won't say welcome, that is a bit much.) If I keep myself right then at no point can it be truthfully said that I denied him access. Even if he says it anyway.

Did I Think It Would Get Better? Really?

How could I have been so stupid.

It is my birthday in a few days. The plan was to take the boys to a family-orientated restaurant after swimming lessons that evening. Another plan was to take the boys to see Santa tomorrow (on my own as I have always done as he has never been interested before.)

His plan, or so he told me, was to take the boys (with new girlfriend in tow as she has been complaining she won't see them on Christmas) to the cinema and for dinner.

And then "She said we'll just go here." And here was a fun park type place - with Santa. And here was where her mother works so she could show off her newly acquired family. And here is where my patience ran out.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking it is over-stepping the mark for them to be taken to meet her mother? Am I being unreasonable in being upset that he took them to see Santa knowing full well that it was where we were going tomorrow? Am I being unreasonable in acting angrily when he accuses me of telling the boys to call her names when I have literally bit my tongue off to make sure I said nothing in front of them?

So shouting match ensues.

He says he has done nothing wrong. I tell him exactly what he has done and that I don't appreciate the way he has pictured me as this evil ex. He says he has had enough that he will drop off their presents and not see them anymore. I say that supervised visits would suffice. He says we are not getting back together. I say that he might want her to hear him say that for whatever reason but she would be pleased to know that there is no getting back ever. His bridges are not only burnt but the foundations gone too.

Best of all, he shouts "I left because I wanted some control over my life." So he moves in with someone he admits tells him what to do. I never controlled him, it was the other way around. I never once told him which job to take, which of the many career paths to go down. I never once told him I wanted this or that, never once complained when he quit jobs at the first problem.

Maybe that was my biggest problem, maybe I should have told him to get his finger out. Maybe I should have held him to his many promises he made, confronted the lies he told instead of excusing his behaviour at every step. I did everything I could to make his life easier and he screwed it up - on his own. I carried him, first financially and then emotionally, until I was no longer of any use to him. Now I realise he was not worth it at all.

The mood is: anger, frustration, annoyance, hopelessness.

The Christmas tree is up, the house is decorated and the boys are excited about the coming present-fest. It won't be as much as in previous years but they will get what they wanted (I am thankful for having children who like simple things that don't cost much.)

This month is going to be the one we have to get through. Not so much emotionally as financially or perhaps equally amounts of both. I know what my Christmas wish would be.

There is not so much to be said for being too introspective and I sometimes wonder if other people get through these situations easier. Then I find out some don't and some can't. Perhaps I will get through this relatively unscathed. I am not the one I worry about.

I do not grieve for what I have lost but for what I realise I never had in the first place. And at this time of the year it becomes even more apparent.

At some point I will be able to sleep again, that would be nice.

Sense

An old Cherokee woman is telling her granddaughter about a fight that is going on inside her.

She said it is between two wolves.

One is evil: Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is good: Joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

The granddaughter thought about it for a moment and then asked her grandmother, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee woman simply replied,

"The one I feed."

When I Know Something Important Is Happening...

...avoid the phone. Seriously; I have realised that whenever something big is about to commence in my life, something that will take up my attention to the point I won't want to stress about anything else - he kicks off.

So I am screening calls this weekend.

My boys are in childcare next week, for a short time before and after school, while I take my induction course for becoming a proper wage slave again in January.

Whilst doing my last OU course it always seemed to be that a drama would occur around about the exact same time as an assignment was due. Without fail. Drama brought on from nothing as well, a speciality of his mother when she was alive (at one point the story went that she was to have her arm amputated - you couldn't make this up! She didn't and I was never brave enough to challenge it, although the wicked side was sorely tempted.)

I would have hoped that these drama-queen moments were in the past. A phone message left late last week indicated otherwise. I will do my best to avoid it. Let her deal with his attitude now.

This Was The End

There was I, in a moment of elation last week, thinking that it would soon be time to wind this section of my life up. How much navel-gazing can a person do after all?

I had wanted this separated from my ordinary blog due to the nature of the posts. I wanted a place to come and...lets face it have a bloody good moan. And I've had a lot to moan about. I've always been of the opinion that when you have a problem get it off your mind by having a gripe then solve it. Otherwise you just twist yourself into pieces.

I've had my gripe and still found myself twisting away!

There is still a need for this blog to continue, it seems like I get an answer, shown a way out of our current situation, only to find another problem lying in the way. Oh if only it were only one problem, usually it is two or three. I know what I want to happen, I know if only I could get a hand up from somewhere, get given a clear run without worries and stresses about the mess he left behind -what a huge difference that would make.

I was given a great compliment, sent wrapped in an email and an option for that job I so wanted. After not believing in myself for so long it nearly made me cry to hear someone say they saw something worthwhile. So I will do my best, enjoy my job when it starts in the new year and ignore the fact that due to the ridiculous situation this country is in, it will probably financially kill us.

Why Do Liars Bother?

Even when you find out the truth, even when you have proof that the lie exists, even when the lie is pointless.

Why go on?

Why keep on lying? Why deny the truth when it is there for all to see?

I just don't understand it. And I never will. Is the lie more important than anything else?

Gaining Perspective

We lead lucky lives now compared to then. With all the troubles I face nothing comes close to what families went through then...nothing at all.

Menin Gate, Ieper

May 2006

I Should Give Up Now

Add the price of a new exhaust to my list of woes.

Some Day....

I know some day, when I am out of this situation properly, I will laugh til I am sick. You know that photo of Nicole Kidman, when she divorced wee Tom Cruise and was pictured outside the lawyer's office, arms outstretched and face tilted up to the sun with a look of relief on it - I understand that now. I get where she was coming from.

He is now sending emails stating that I should get over him as he has moved on!!! So I have explained, in as plain terms as possible, that I wouldn't take him back if he were covered in gold and dipped in chocolate. He has such an ego, such a selfish swine.

He also presumed that I would be buying him presents (plural) from the boys to him. Well, at school the boys have designed their Christmas card, he can get one of those and that is all. There was also a strange invite for him to pick them up on Saturday for dinner so I asked the boys if they wanted to go to dinner with daddy and her and they looked at me like I had gone mad. No, says eldest, daddy won't play with me then! I like our weekends, they are so much more relaxed than when he was here. The dinner invitation is strange and I can only assume it was to introduce the boys to other people in his new life. Do I force them to go?

Interestingly...

Despite all the stories of insurance companies trying every trick not to pay out it would seem that mine, at least, wasn't too bothered once I had explained the whole sorry scenario. Well, I have told them that the neighbour was driving, not the owner of the car so they cannot say I didn't tell them at any future date. According to another neighbour who saw the accident she was travelling at some speed and apparently always drives erratically, well you would if you had never had a licence. I just get all the luck. This is my first ever car accident in the 18 years* I have been driving and not something I wish to ever repeat.

All in all I now have the excess to pay. Is this going to continue until I go bust? I didn't sleep easy before, it is near impossible now.

And I miss our dog. I miss him terribly. I find myself scanning the ads even though I know I lack the funds to support so much as a goldfish right now, even though I know I have always bought rescue and not through the ads. I wish I could have our dog back and worst of all so do the boys.

*I look at that and feel really old now. It is true, I passed on 11 October 1989, a couple of months before I turned 18. That means that next year it will have been 20 years since I left high school, oh god. Procrastination for 20 years, it should be outlawed. Makes me realise the importance of school kids leaving school with some idea of where they want their lives to go rather than just dotting from unsatisfying job to unsatisfying job and wasting the best years.

Another Day In Paradise

Lets start this morning. I backed into a neighbours car, a neighbour who apparently doesn't have a licence let alone insurance for her "friend's" car. She must have been driving pretty fast for me not to see her.

It was already turning into one of those days.

Then I get an irate call from him, are there any other kind?

The CSA have told him that they will be taking £400 per month from his wages. I know for a fact that despite there then being a surplus between what they take and what I already get I will not get any more. Yet I will still have to pay out all those bloody debts he left. Oh he was clever to leave them with me.

As my request for help did not work I am left wondering what to do. I am supposed to start work next month at some point but now am faced with the problem that I cannot afford to! A ridiculous situation but as I have not been unemployed for 6 months then I am not allowed to get any help during the transition to going onto a monthly wage. It makes me sick when I think how much effort I put into that interview, I am going to try and beg them to let me come in on the next intake which would be after my 6 month. So stupid, so so stupid that they do this.

AT SOME POINT I HAVE TO CATCH A BREAK BECAUSE THIS SURELY CANNOT GO ON!

No Angel For Me?

I know that I have failed as a mother to provide a stable family life for my sons, security and all that brings with it. I give them love and hide all this from them, it is my job to ensure they grow and flourish and that this has no lasting effect beyond a lesson in responsibilities and commitment. Yet I have still failed, and that is what cuts the most.

I asked for help, I did not receive, somewhere along the line I will understand why. So I am still at the end of the string for him to control. Perhaps I am not deserving enough, well I am aware that in the grand scheme of things we are not yet at rock bottom. I had hoped that it would not happen though, I had hoped that with a little help from some good Samaritans I could start to rebuild, we could turn things around. It still feels like a punishment for being stupid and naive which is how I feel on a good day.

Spoke Too Soon

Temptation is truly an irresistable urge. Such as tempting fate. Which I am guilty of.

I presume I had not reached my quota of having to deal with huffy phone calls this week.

I am looking on this as training for when my sons reach their difficult teenage years, I will be well prepared for the stroppy, moody lightening-change of attitude. I have to look on the positive side of this for otherwise I would simply disappear. Why do some people insist on making life so much harder than it could/should be?

And The Wheel Turns Full Circle

He is back to being somewhat nice to me. That is I haven't been called a name of late.

He has left me short, he knows it, he probably enjoys it and he knows I cannot complain. For he has nothing at all. Or so he says.

It is physically exhausting having to deal with this, I could do without it. I've never been that good with deceitful people, cannot fathom out why they would go to such an effort to lie all the time. And it wears me down.

It Is Written In The Stars

While discussing our ex-husbands (both men Virgo strangely enough and so similar they could be twins in their controlling, bullying, overly critical manner) with another single mother I told her that I have likened this period in time as having taken off a tight corset. You suddenly feel yourself relax and unstiffen and then wondered why you put yourself through it in the first place.

I realise how true this is. The relief that it is over now regardless of the continual churning inside due to leftover financial disasters (which, again, her Virgo-ex left her with too!) I did mention to him when he phoned in a panic over his bank account that now he knew how I felt every single day but I doubt he took it in or gave that a moments thought. I am short this month from what he has given me but what can I do, he already has his excuse. The money I had set aside to pay the next bill due in (gas and electricity) is now gone to his debts. This is how it is going to be and I can imagine it will get worse the minute I start work and he takes it as done that he need not pay me at all.

Corset off though, that is always something at least. Even if the price is high we three will come through this.

Manipulation

I have never thought myself particularly dumb before. Oh certainly there are what I call 'senior moments' which are allowed, even in the mid-thirties, if one has children. However the fact that even now he can still manipulate the situation, knowing what my reactions will be, must make me the biggest idiot ever.

I just can't stop though. As I scrabble about to get enough together to make the next weeks deadlines I know I will not phone to say that he has left me dangerously short. What is the point? This is how he wins, this is how he gets to live a life stress free while I have to go on. Knowing that I hate to be living a life like this, knowing how carefully I had always been for these situations never to occur until that moment where, through persuasion, I took my eye off the ball as the saying goes. Knowing that he has made a joke of everything I considered a value. Slowly I am rebuilding my life and piecing together again the person I was and the person I should have remained, before I got carried away making excuses for him.

The mess just gets deeper and stickier and I don't even tell him that I am aware of what he is doing. What would be the point. He hasn't learned any lesson, he continues as he has always done and he relishes that I cannot stop him.

What Is That Clucking Sound?

It must be the chickens coming home to roost.

He phones in a state of panic. Someone has arrested his wages and cleared out his bank account. That will be the bank account he said he didn't have? And he wants me to do something about it.

What can I do? It is not my business, I don't know who he owes money to other than the debts I deal with and they are ticking along. Of course now he has no money, or perhaps this is his story so he can stop giving me money.

Argh, I am sick of money, everything revolving around money. I want to be able to sleep through the night. I have been told by one of the debtors (that is a word right?) that when I start work the amount paid to them will automatically go up. Great, so while I try and get my little family out of this mess it follows me nipping at my heels.

A friend wrote to me recently saying that she wishes she could give me a winning lottery ticket or a long holiday. Thank you for the sentiment Hazelnuttin, the fact you care is enough, worth a lot more!

Guardian Angel

I heard that if you are in need of help asking for a guardian angel works. Well, I'm ready to believe in anything at the moment, random kindness of strangers, paying it forward, whatever works in helping us out of this situation.

Thinking back to how many times I have helped people and never asked for anything in return. In fact I hate asking anyone for help despite my willingness to come to the aid of others (because it genuinely is better to give than receive.) I inherited this from my father, I can see that as clear as day and interestingly he was often used as a doormat by other people who would take everything from his generous soul.

But I have now asked for help. We shall see if I am deserving enough.

The Truth Really Will Out

I have not to email him again because apparently the emails go through the servers at his work and we wouldn't want them to find out his dirty little secret now would we? Actually not being the type of person who would do that offers me some comfort.

Which explains the unbelievable tone of his email accusing me of taking money off him. The email was for whoever was looking. The answer is too now, only I did not know it at the time. Now whoever he thinks is reading his emails will know the truth.

This is why he was so viciously nasty to me. How long will it be before new girlfriend discovers his nasty side.

It Comes To This

This is the reply I got. I feel my heart sink to my toes, God am I to keep getting this until I crack? Is that what he wants?

Sorry ***** but you are getting no money on Monday. My wages are fully accounted for. I gave you money at the end of the month and said to you then that was all you were getting. ((No he did no such thing!)) I cannot be expected to keep you and myself living in separate lives. I am more than willing to pay for the boys as they are my responsibility ((??? He hasn't paid anything yet)) but ***** you are not my responsibility. ((Never said I was, does he think I have been living off of what he gives me? He hasn't even covered the debts he left us with yet.))

***** you seem to think that I have changed in so many different ways and I have not changed at all. ((So he was always a swine, just kept it well hidden?)) I paid all the bills when we were together ((No because if you had we wouldn't be in this mess)) and I am in no way running away from my responsibilities. ((If you say so but it sure looks like it to me.)) If the shoe was on the other foot yes I would trust you to keep to what arrangement was made. ((Yes and that is my problem, I always keep my word and can be relied upon, more fool me. No glory in being a doormat.)) I have never not paid you money to keep the boys ((??? Did I miss payments somewhere)) and that is the main point here. If you want to make things legal then by all means go to the csa paula. You will only come out of this each month with less money than what you are now. ((Is that a threat or something?))From now on I will pay the money direct into your bank account by standing order. Give me the bank details that you want the money paid into pls. ((Yes I will give you my bank details and watch you rip me off?))

Once again I am left to cry over the phone to my poor mother because I have no other option if I want to stay sane.

Clarifying The Situation

The lies I fell for, fool that I am.

I knew we were in arrears in our rent due to a mix up last year, I believed him when he told me he was paying that off and we only had a tiny amount left to pay. Lie, he paid none of it so therefore I am.

Of the budget I worked out each month, from the amount he told me was there because the statements were always "fine" I carefully organised the bills, which he dealt with and the household money, which I dealt with. The rent was worked out and he always handed the cheque in so where did the rest go?

Also bills such as the gas, which seems to have fallen by the wayside. The amount owed on that is eye-watering yet this was supposed to be paid through bill payments. He would go off with the phone and come back, all is paid, all is well.

He used my credit card for months, without my knowledge, without my consent. Unfortunately for him they sent me an unmarked letter when the limit went over and a payment was missed. What did he spend the money on?

The council tax also wasn't getting paid. I had set up a direct debit which he subsequently cancelled. Again the amount is enough to cause sleepless nights for life, we are talking arrears over several years here.

These are only the ones I have been left with. He owes a lot more to a lot more companies but as they are not attached to this address they have gone off after him. So I am left with the rest.

This is my punishment for trusting and believing in someone and for loving them enough to let them fool me completely. My punishment for being so involved in caring for my twins, in helping out and volunteering and trying to be everything to everybody (including him who I did so much for, nothing was enough and he was never satisfied) and all the time the rot was setting in. The rot that eats at my soul, guilt at never having guessed at what was going on. While we laughed and joked and I wondered why he never joined in wholeheartedly, tried to find out the problem and again and again was fobbed off.

Here I am, left to deal with these, the largest amounts he owes, as far as I know anyway. It feels good though to know that now I am in full charge that the direct debits are sent, the bills paid on time. It is just these debts that cause the problems, I don't have the means to pay them off, he knows this and he knows that while he enjoys his new life he can still control mine through the purse strings.

Its The Same Old Song Playing All The Time

Money, money, money, monnneeey.

So I emailed him the amount he owes, this of course does not include any maintenence for the boys. I have not had one single penny toward that, in fact as he has constantly been short with the money he gives me he is actually taking money away from us. Not that this concerns him of course.

Instead of seeing that I am needing to organise payments to keep the wolves from the door, he sees it as hassling him once again. Which I suppose I am, but what else am I supposed to do? He tells me one thing and then another, he lies and then lies about the lies. He is desperate for me to tell him that I have gotten this job, as he will then see it as a free reign not to bother paying me ever again.

What did we do to deserve this? Why can't he see that all he needs to do is tell me how much he is giving me and when so I know the payments can be made, payments I am having to make because he left me with them? I sometimes want to just scream with frustration, I wonder if his new girlfriend knows this, or am I portrayed as the evil ex constantly hounding him over money (not bothering about the bit where it is the money he owes rather than me so in fact he isn't paying me at all.)

I cannot be bothered with this anymore. Tonight he was screaming about how he will set up a direct debit then he will never have to come to the house again...so you have a bank account says I. Silence, and then denial, no of course not he has to set up one. God will there be one day where he doesn't lie? I am sick of lies, lies, lies, lies, lies. And I see him continuing the same as ever, having learned nothing. I only hope this doesn't cost the girlfriend her car or house.

There has to be a way out of this somehow. I cannot stand it much longer.

Playing Mummy

Saturday, after much deliberation, once again he shouts about having to do things according to "my rules" before getting his own way again. I am so weak yet so fed up of being bullied by him. I state that we never do my rules but always his and it goes without comment.

So, because I need for my sons to see their father I agree to them once again going to his new house. I am very aware of his treating this new girlfriend the way he once treated me. Hold her at arms length from anyone who may just tell her the truth about him. I see him use his sons the way he once used his nephew with me, playing happy families on days out.

He wants unsupervised access but he is playing his game well. He is never unsupervised because his new girlfriend is always there, playing mummy with my sons. She is trying to buy their love and because he does not know or understand them he is allowing her to.

Of course, he can now paint me as the jealous ex. I see the relish in his eyes as he realises this. He does not understand, nor does he wish to, that my annoyance has nothing to do with this poor woman who is alarmingly very like his sister in attitude. To me he acts as though she is demanding to be present at every outing. I know she is there because he cannot look after his own sons himself. He is pretending to her that he is the caring father who is battling his awful ex just to see his own boys. I wonder what he tells her because I would imagine the last thing he would ever want is for me to speak to her directly.

I would bet money that she knows nothing of the debts he left with us. I would bet money that she knows nothing of the way he treated me for years, and I allowed him to I am guilty of that. I would bet money she knows nothing of the lies and manipulation that she has just walked into.

And he is counting on his control of me to remain such that she will never find out.

So he twists the knife. Makes sure her constant attendence for every visit is a source of irritation for me. Joy to him that my sons are confident enough in themselves to like her (not realising that she is to them a friend, I am their mother and that is that.) I see his game, I know his plans and from this moment on I will not enter into it.

Does he want me to be jealous of her? Does he want me to argue, shout, have hysterics? The Stokes family trait, as laid down in law by his mother, is for the smallest thing to become a huge drama. Not for them the idea of finding a solution for a problem, instead the problem would be magnified unnecessarily with much wringing of hands and grand statements. It was never my way, at best I was bemused by the whole rigmarole for every single issue.

Time for this to stop. From now on I must put effort into not partaking of the nonsense. Of taking a step back. Amazingly I have found that in the past few weeks little parts of my character, ones that I thought had died long ago, are resurfacing. The person I once was before I fell for the manipulation and lies is coming back. And about time too.

I'll Sail This Ship Alone

There are sometimes, while I try to remain buoyant in front of everyone else that I am almost overwhelmed by this crushing loneliness.

Then I remember how lonely I was while he was here, and that nothing has really changed for me in that respect.

Is this why I so enjoy Persuasion? The ache of hope that all is not lost and that there is a chance for happiness no matter what, no matter how many mistakes you have made. I do wander into melancholy if I dwell on my situation too long.

How Can I Put This So You Will Understand?

He still doesn't get it. The money thing. He still doesn't get that he has to pay his debts, he still doesn't get that I am not taking all his money and having wild parties. Every penny goes towards paying off his debts, every penny and not one goes towards raising his sons. Yet he hints at how much money he thinks I am getting and how I should be using that to pay the debts. Presumably we should then live off fresh air.

I have positive signals of work, or at least an interview which is a step in the right direction. Oh I hope but then, as soon as I start earning he will feel the need to pay up less and less. I worry I will end up paying his debts off and ending up in a worse state.

I wish for a guardian angel, I wish it could all be gone and we three could get on with our lives. He is the complication, he is the only problem. I am rebuilding the family, I am raising happy and healthy boys who know right from wrong, who know not to lie. And who will know financial sense, I'll make sure of that.

Trust and stupidity, I am guilty of both.

Is It Something I Did In A Previous Life?

Today I travel all the way to where he is now staying, an arrangement I am not too happy with but he will win regardless. I leave my sons there on the promise they are to be returned around "4ish." I am being reasonable, I am being generous so why doesn't he see that? Why does he continually tell me that seeing me and hearing me makes him shake with anger, makes his blood boil? What does he hope to achieve by saying this? Would it be better if I just gave up?

I have my sons, we are doing great, and then he contacts us. He knows he has financially crippled me, he knows I am stuck in this town with no hope. I am trying my best, I am continuing to offer my sons a stable, loving home life, I need to be an example rather than someone to be pitied.

He wants this, then he wants that, then he changes his mind, then it is me keeping the boys from him rather than him constantly rearranging everything. He has had his unsupervised access, it worries me but I have no choice. He would turn me into the "nasty ex keeping my children from me." The things he says I know this is how he portrays me to others. It is not so, I am so weary of this.

He lives with a couple, apparently. Only she is there today, only she is mentioned, the house is small, too small for 3 adults to live comfortably. They have 2 dogs, I think of Alex and my heart sinks further. We had a dog, because of him we no longer do. I miss Alex more than him.

So she is there the whole afternoon, she plays with the boys, I make a joke of him having someone else do the work but he calls me stroppy for saying that. I cannot say one word that is not misunderstood, that does not provoke him into backlash. The way he speaks to me, did he ever love me?

The boys are returned, loving this new person in their lives. I hold her no malice, anyone who treats the boys well is fine in my book and to be honest I would more pity her for falling under the manipulative spell of him. Youngest twin cuddles into me for the rest of the afternoon, quiet and reserved and unlike him. Eldest gets on with the business of playing.

Both tell me that this person is "daddy's girlfriend." I phone him to ask, it would be nice if for once he told me the truth, it isn't like I mind. Another fight, so easy to do, I repeat what I am saying as he doesn't seem to hear. He definitely doesn't hear, so he shouts, like he always does. I am telling him what his sons are saying, not telling him what I am saying but he can't understand this. So he shouts, he tells me how awful I am despite all I have done so his sons can see him. He says that he is having to move mountains when he won't cross a bridge due to roadworks meaning a 45 minute delay.

How much he hates me. What have I done that is so bad? Why am I being punished?

At A Loss

Looking back on Sundays events I begin to realise what truly went on.

His refusal to have supervised visits, his refusal to have me drop the boys off at a specified location and wait for them, his refusal to do one thing he asked as soon as I agreed to it. (Take them to the local town shopping centre, yes I would do that and suddenly that is no good anymore.)

He demanded that he take them to this new place he is staying, a place I have not the address for, phone number for just the general location in the name of the town. Would I think he would do anything to hurt my sons? Perhaps not but again he would make sure I couldn't contact him during the time they were away, he would be late enough on returning to have me seriously worried. And again my main concern, he cannot control his anger with me (now he says he didn't throw the phone at me but at the floor...where I was standing), what about when the boys behave as boys? Without me there to step in.

When he did live here I would beg him to go play with them. Go build Lego things, play cars or train or something, interact with them. He complained he had no bond with them so that was my solution then. So up the stairs he would go, and they would play in their room and he would switch the computer on and that would be that.

It has always been thus. Here is the problem, I have to find the solution, that is not good enough for him and he remains unhappy with it. What can I do? What can I do?

Every Single Line Of Relevance

If I had a theme tune it would be this at the moment.

Today, not good. He phones, acts like I am keeping his sons from him, fails to understand my position, fails to see anything from any other viewpoint but his own. Uses my own sons as pawns in his game. Complains that these are my rules when what he demands is that I do things by his rules. Twists and turns and all the same, again I am blamed for not doing as he says.

He does not see how his actions have come across, does not see that he is being unreasonable in expecting me to allow my sons to go, alone, into a car with someone who only recently talked of killing himself (and who today said to me "You'd be glad if I just jumped off a bridge" this is how he talks of killing himself, off a bridge by jumping or driving) who acts like I am this awful person. Who is using any little jibe he can at the moment to get me to rise to the bait. He fails to see that he is hurting the boys, he fails to see that I have and still would bend over backwards to accommodate his seeing them but that considering all he has done and said I am scared, yes bloody scared, to let him drive off with my sons.

So I shall be portrayed as the baddie. The mean ex who denies access when really all I have done is ask for one small thing, one tiny thing that any other father would jump on for the chance to see his children. I nearly give in, I nearly do but I have far more to lose in this, I have my sons to lose and no amount of emotional blackmail, no amount of shouting that I am laying down the rules will make me put my sons in a situation I am not comfortable with.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do, I'm going to need advice from people who deal with this all the time, I need help to get over what he has done to me over the years.

Just because this doesn't leave a visable bruise doesn't mean the pain is not significant.

I'm getting stronger. I'm getting stronger.

Have You Heard?

The money issue again. Isn't it always.

He visits, just after lunchtime on Tuesday, he was supposed to visit that evening to see the boys and how I am glad now that he didn't. For had they witnessed what was to happen I don't know how they would have acted.

Here is the money, says he. It is not quite enough to cover HIS debts which I am paying off, there will not be so much as a penny left for the boys. This does not bother me as much as needing a guarantee that he will give me the money regularly - if he doesn't I am sunk. And doesn't he know that.

In his usual manner, perhaps out of embarrassment or guilt at having left his wife in such a situation, he blows up. The shouting could be heard in a house across the street and a good few doors down. I know this, for the neighbour told another one who happens to be a friend. In her words he was "laying in to me."

And I am so glad she heard it. For according to him I was the one who started it, I was the one who did it all, we can't talk to each other and now I am keeping his sons from him. That would be his version then. The truth, as always, is so far removed from what he says as to be in another time zone.

After punching the wall and throwing his mobile phone he left, I told him I no longer wanted him anywhere near the house, he could pop the money in an envelope through the letterbox. I cannot have any more of this. He has no right to keep bullying me and I cannot believe how much of a facade my marriage was, I wanted so much for us to work that I overlooked the control and bullying. I've been a fool.

I have also laid a condition that to see the boys he needs to organise supervised access. I have to admit this, and it is hard, but after Tuesday I am scared. I am scared of how far he will go to put me through a living hell. I am scared how quickly the anger takes over him and how he never seems to remember what has gone on or what he has done (and forget waiting for an apology that is never going to happen.) I need to know my sons are safe. I think I am being more than reasonable, I have tried my best through this, I have bent over backwards so he could see the boys and he continually cancels.

He has said he never wants to speak to me again, he acts like I am the worst person to ever have crossed his path. I know he is playing on my insecurities that go back to childhood, he plays the game well, he plays me well and knows exactly which method will achieve the best results. My insecurity over never being good enough, never being listened to or cared about. I told him all of this and now he uses it against me.

What else will he do, I do not know. But I do know this. I cannot let him drive off with the only things I have left in the world, the ones that are more important to me than anything. Even if he wouldn't do anything to them I guarantee he would be late home, the mobile phone (number keeps changing too) would be turned off and anything else that would send me worrying to an early grave would be done. He would do this to destroy me. I cannot let my boys be used like that. Supervised visits would keep me sane, I would feel my sons were safe and not about to be smacked or shouted at.

I have never felt so alone. I feel a huge burden on me and every time I feel we are getting somewhere there is the shadow of him looming over me ready to kick me back into place. My mother says he does it out of guilt, my friend says it is because I don't cry over him anymore and am living my life. Whatever it is I wish no longer to be a part of his game.

The Knife

Money, money, money


Ah, all the things I could if I had a little money.

ABBA said it best.

He has cancelled tomorrow, he is in a huff. I mention the finances, I mention the debts he has to pay that he thought he was running away from. He is not happy. I have upset him so now it is his turn.

"I was asked out, I was supposed to go out tonight with someone I met at work."

Lucky her.

Although what he does is not concerning me in that direction it is the thought he is using this as a knife to stick in when I annoy him does concern me. Does he think I bother that he is out fishing for dates? What a catch he would make, no money, adulterer, no home. Yet I know him, I know his charm and ability to make you believe in his tales. Whoever she is I feel sorry for her.

And Its Getting Better

Apart from the financial side (which will stress and worry me until I pluck up enough courage to contact a solicitor) this is feeling a lot less awful now.

Of course it is difficult when he visits the boys. I cannot speak to him over finances or he goes nuts, again I think I may need a solicitor and I really have never trusted them. I don't trust him either though.

It will all fall into place.

It will get better.

It will be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I have to get out of this town but his ability to get us into arrears with the rent means I am stuck here, I need a miracle. I need a winning lottery ticket. I need to pay off the debts he has left me with even though he promises that he will pay them I believe it when I see it happen.

Inside I am exhausted. Looking after the boys, looking for work, organising and sorting everything out. I just want to lie down and sleep for a week. It is nice having my bed to myself, although I miss cuddles, it is nice to have the house tidy and clean. I will keep telling myself these positives so I no longer feel the loss of a friend (though a false one) and love.

Power Of Control

This one is easy. Pretending you are in control of things that are so out of control they have ceased to be funny a long time ago. Yet in this pretence the power scale moves, and for once the control is not in his hands. I am no longer under his influence, I had never realised that this was the case before but these new days are enlightening in so many ways. The marriage I thought I had was nothing to the reality.

Now if only I had been the one to win the £35million EuroMillions. Money to never have to worry again, money to be generous to others in similar situations, that would be nice.

Spanner In The Works

There is always something that happens, completely out of my control.

Postal strikes.

I await paperwork from everything including Child Tax Credits as well as some job applications. The posties seem to be on strike at possibly the worst time for me as until the forms are filled and resent then I won't get money to survive on. It is the small things that have the impact where looking at the larger picture it won't even be noticed. I do not expect them to care, I do not expect them to know and I do not expect I am the only person to be caught up like this.

Just one thing after another.

Another Month, Another Dilemma

There are the consequences of separation that go beyond the pain in emotions. The ugly head of debt rears its head, the reality of running two households on very little money, the hoops that have to be jumped simply to get money to live from.

And all the while curling up in a corner and sobbing until sleep seems the option that would be the most satisfying. Still to persevere throughout, to tackle the red tape, the bureaucrats, walking through a river of treacle would be easier. It has to be done, the crying can come later when the details are sorted, it is expected.

There are a couple of weeks left of the summer holidays. This is not what was planned, this is not how we had reckoned on spending the summer. In a few months time shall we look back on this time with relief that it is over? I hope so.

We are in need of a fairy godmother, guardian angel, someone with a lot of money and a generous disposition. I feel that most of all, by trusting in the person with whom I should have been able to trust wholeheartedly, I have let down my sons. And that is what hurts the most.

The Dark Place

Words that are more hurtful than the fact he no longer loves me.

Hmmm, let me think. How about the reason he has been acting like this, so selfish and callous, is that he slept with a woman while away with work.

And the bomb drops. And the world explodes. And inside I wonder what is so wrong with me that someone I thought I knew, someone I thought I loved and would be with for all days, could do the one thing guaranteed to rip me apart.

This is it. Nothing more can be done and the life I knew is gone forever.

Realisation

Today I have realised something.

My life has turned into that Gloria Gaynor song, the one I absolutely detest.

Oh dear.

And Life Goes On

In my head the reasons he should have stayed swim round and round. The good times we had together, family days out, holidays.

Then the lies. The lies destroy everything good and tears change from sorrow to anger.

It goes on. The jigsaw pieces slowly form into the fuller picture, each piece uncovering another lie, each piece another painful problem to solve.

Yet still, life goes on. My sons, innocent and trusting, betrayed by the one person who should keep them safe. We are three, no longer four and we are strong and will get stronger and go beyond what has happened.

Everything has changed, nothing is as it was but it will get better and we will get better and the pain will end and all will be well.

Darkest Hour Of The Darkest Day

The darkest day is nearly done. The bags are packed, sorry the bin bags are packed and off he goes.

Inside I feel hollow. Yes, that is an appropriate word, hollow. Hollowed out by cruel words and expectations not met and rejection. Words that cannot be taken back, messages sent to a heart no longer listening.

The hour is quiet, the rain falls and in this comfortable life that has been ripped apart by one selfish act must change forever. Nothing is safe.

Sleeping children, the peace they bring and the realisation that I am stronger than I believed. I will rebuild this life for us, and face the world as three instead of four.

The End Of One Life And The Beginning Of Another

And so it begins.

While my heart slowly repairs from the hurt it feels and my head whirrs with what I have to do next my outlet for my feelings will be here.

I have tried the blame game; is it me? Did I not do enough? Was I too much of a doormat? Was I unreasonable in what I wanted from him? I can't stop thinking that this is my fault but my needs have always been simple. All I wanted from life was a husband who loved me, who made me feel secure and special, who would treat me with respect and have fun with me, who would tell me when I was being silly in a manner that wouldn't crush my spirit and who would be happy with the family we made together.

So what should I have done? I tried, oh Lord did I try, I lost the person I was 9 years ago when I took my vows with a person who had already lied to me. Oh I didn't know that then, what an excuse, I married someone who knew what they were getting, who knew what I wanted from life. Sometimes though, and especially now I wonder if he knew me at all or did he just pretend, go along with what I was saying...but for what?

He throws it up to me on many an occassion that I should have married someone with money. That is not ever what I wanted. We don't own our house, we don't have lots of money but happiness is free. When it is just me and our sons then the house is harmonious, we have a laugh, play and get on with life. But it is hard when you are married to someone who seems hell bent on destroying everything regardless of how many chances his wife gives him.

Who will suffer? My beautiful boys of course. Children need a father, they need two parents to guide them through life. I don't want to do this on my own but I must. My transition from stay-at-home-mum to working single parent has begun.