Ego

Saturday turned out to be a very interesting day indeed.

My concentration was on the Hobbits and celebrating their 6th birthday. His concentration was on points scoring and trying to play the martyr.

I called his bluff you see. While he was having a conversation on the phone, or rather hysterics on the phone that had no real relation to what I was actually saying but would play out well for listening ears (i.e. her) I gave him a plan he couldn't possibly fault.

My plans for their birthday were during the day. He could very easily take them out that evening for dinner. Once he had gone through the script for her benefit, a script I recognise from when he used to be on the phone to his family and I felt so sorry for him as they "seemed" to be giving him such a tough time, he saw sense. The next part of the script was an over-exaggerated effort into making plans, rushing about with timetables for the cinema to take them to see The Bee Movie. Oh how I recognised every last part of what he did, it does work because it fooled me for far too long.

We met near Edinburgh, it is so strange that I see through this farce now. I can see exactly what is going to happen and when and know that he has changed not one jot. He was all happy and thankful to me for letting him do this. I remind him he is the boys father and he has a right even though he makes a joke of it most of the times. I even warned the boys to be on good behaviour with her, and told him that to expect me to ask the boys to welcome her was a bit much. That is his job, then again when has he done anything.

For once he didn't try and tap me for money. Well, after their gifts to each other of tom-tom for him and iPhone for her it would sound a little hollow to then mention they have only £40 to live on until his pay date. So that would mean she is as bad with money as he is. (I still want to ask if he calls her materialistic for having a house, which is what I was accused of for wanting one.)

His return was even more entertaining. The boys are happy, sleepy and contented. Eldest behaved himself but youngest still blanks her - how is this my problem? As he carries boys and presents in she suddenly appears. Of course having a couple of hours to relax I just had to be in my jammies and dressing gown for this part. I stand in the hallway, blocking entrance into the rest of the house which is a tip of new toys.

I say not a word to her, he babbles on about this and that. Luckily they leave quickly.

I wonder if she thought I would invite her in for tea and biscuits?

One thing annoying, or even more annoying. They received gifts from her aunt and uncle, on the card they wrote "from Aunt Ixxxx and Uncle Jxxxx." It seems petty but they are not relations. They have never met the boys, according to him though I don't really believe him. It would seem she is from an over-friendly family. It might be stroppy on my account but I really do not like that attitude. Be nice to my boys by all means but they won't call you aunt and uncle unless you are an actual relation. It pisses me off and he knows that.

Sod this - bring on 2008

At Least We Have Our Health

Correction, at least the boys have their health. I should have known better, superstitious soul that I am (there is no point in denying it!) Not to make that appointment in the last gasp of this year.

So back to the hospital I will have to go, reluctantly but I am heeding this warning.

I need to stop rushing around trying to do everything, be everything, trying to prove myself to the world. I need to stop because the most important thing in the world is me being there for the boys. Never mind anything else, never mind disappointing anyone else. I have but two main responsibilities in my life and if I don't slow down I won't be there for them.

Before now I would have been upset, stressed and worried when the doctor decided to refer me. I find that the strength I never thought I had is carrying me through this. The boys' birthday is in two days and whereas before this would have been playing on my mind it has been locked away. No point worrying until the surgeon sees me.

I take it as a sign, a big, blinky neon sign to forget trying to justify myself to people and to take care of the most important things...which are we three.

It will be a Merry Christmas.

He will only spoil it if I let him. And that won't happen.

Priority

He phones to say he will bring the boys' presents over on Christmas eve. The olive branch is offered once more for Christmas morning.

No, says he, it has to be 7am or nothing as he has "other things to do" on that day.

Priorities, he has them. Just not in the right order.

I probably sound awful, denying him the right to turn up here first thing on Christmas morning. It will be a long enough day for me, the trek over to my parents, having to cook the lunch and do everything on my own as usual while everyone else gets to enjoy the day. I think I'll stay at home next year and go to my parents on Christmas eve as it ends up with the day itself being just one long rush and endurance test. Then again I'll feel guilty because at my dad's age there might not be too many Christmases together left. And He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named thinks his life is complex.

I still get mail for him now and again, demands from various debt collectors. I always pass them on but it is obvious he is not dealing with them. It would feel better if it wasn't the case where I won't have enough money to cover the bills at the end of the month. One day I shall look back upon all this as a life lesson, it is just so difficult to live through not knowing when the end is in sight.

I Am Not Going To Win

No matter what I do. That was probably obvious to everyone but me. I swear I can be so dumb sometimes.

I phone today, to try and build a bridge. I do not want it ever to be said I kept his sons from him, I do not want to give him that ammunition. So once again I make the first move. I repeat inside that I am doing it for them, because if it were not for the fact he was their father then I would gladly wipe him out of my life entirely (well once he had paid off what he owes that is.)

He complains that I won't let him arrive at 7am (yes *7*am) but ask that he comes at 9. You see I will have let the boys open all their presents by then. This despite the fact I told him I would get them dressed and give them breakfast and start the grand opening once he had arrived.

It is disarming to have someone believe a lie about you, a lie they created. He has convinced himself I am what he says I am.

What do I do next? He says he'll think about coming Christmas morning but I don't really care if he does or not - the fact is that I said he was still able to come (won't say welcome, that is a bit much.) If I keep myself right then at no point can it be truthfully said that I denied him access. Even if he says it anyway.

Did I Think It Would Get Better? Really?

How could I have been so stupid.

It is my birthday in a few days. The plan was to take the boys to a family-orientated restaurant after swimming lessons that evening. Another plan was to take the boys to see Santa tomorrow (on my own as I have always done as he has never been interested before.)

His plan, or so he told me, was to take the boys (with new girlfriend in tow as she has been complaining she won't see them on Christmas) to the cinema and for dinner.

And then "She said we'll just go here." And here was a fun park type place - with Santa. And here was where her mother works so she could show off her newly acquired family. And here is where my patience ran out.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking it is over-stepping the mark for them to be taken to meet her mother? Am I being unreasonable in being upset that he took them to see Santa knowing full well that it was where we were going tomorrow? Am I being unreasonable in acting angrily when he accuses me of telling the boys to call her names when I have literally bit my tongue off to make sure I said nothing in front of them?

So shouting match ensues.

He says he has done nothing wrong. I tell him exactly what he has done and that I don't appreciate the way he has pictured me as this evil ex. He says he has had enough that he will drop off their presents and not see them anymore. I say that supervised visits would suffice. He says we are not getting back together. I say that he might want her to hear him say that for whatever reason but she would be pleased to know that there is no getting back ever. His bridges are not only burnt but the foundations gone too.

Best of all, he shouts "I left because I wanted some control over my life." So he moves in with someone he admits tells him what to do. I never controlled him, it was the other way around. I never once told him which job to take, which of the many career paths to go down. I never once told him I wanted this or that, never once complained when he quit jobs at the first problem.

Maybe that was my biggest problem, maybe I should have told him to get his finger out. Maybe I should have held him to his many promises he made, confronted the lies he told instead of excusing his behaviour at every step. I did everything I could to make his life easier and he screwed it up - on his own. I carried him, first financially and then emotionally, until I was no longer of any use to him. Now I realise he was not worth it at all.

The mood is: anger, frustration, annoyance, hopelessness.

The Christmas tree is up, the house is decorated and the boys are excited about the coming present-fest. It won't be as much as in previous years but they will get what they wanted (I am thankful for having children who like simple things that don't cost much.)

This month is going to be the one we have to get through. Not so much emotionally as financially or perhaps equally amounts of both. I know what my Christmas wish would be.

There is not so much to be said for being too introspective and I sometimes wonder if other people get through these situations easier. Then I find out some don't and some can't. Perhaps I will get through this relatively unscathed. I am not the one I worry about.

I do not grieve for what I have lost but for what I realise I never had in the first place. And at this time of the year it becomes even more apparent.

At some point I will be able to sleep again, that would be nice.