And so it begins.
While my heart slowly repairs from the hurt it feels and my head whirrs with what I have to do next my outlet for my feelings will be here.
I have tried the blame game; is it me? Did I not do enough? Was I too much of a doormat? Was I unreasonable in what I wanted from him? I can't stop thinking that this is my fault but my needs have always been simple. All I wanted from life was a husband who loved me, who made me feel secure and special, who would treat me with respect and have fun with me, who would tell me when I was being silly in a manner that wouldn't crush my spirit and who would be happy with the family we made together.
So what should I have done? I tried, oh Lord did I try, I lost the person I was 9 years ago when I took my vows with a person who had already lied to me. Oh I didn't know that then, what an excuse, I married someone who knew what they were getting, who knew what I wanted from life. Sometimes though, and especially now I wonder if he knew me at all or did he just pretend, go along with what I was saying...but for what?
He throws it up to me on many an occassion that I should have married someone with money. That is not ever what I wanted. We don't own our house, we don't have lots of money but happiness is free. When it is just me and our sons then the house is harmonious, we have a laugh, play and get on with life. But it is hard when you are married to someone who seems hell bent on destroying everything regardless of how many chances his wife gives him.
Who will suffer? My beautiful boys of course. Children need a father, they need two parents to guide them through life. I don't want to do this on my own but I must. My transition from stay-at-home-mum to working single parent has begun.
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