A little back story first of all:
When I first met and then married him I knew his family weren't exactly normal. Well, what family is. He had a mother who was alcoholic, a father who was distant and alcoholic, a much elder brother and a control-freak sister. Of course this was all told to me, as reasons why he wanted to maintain a distance and I respected his wishes, fool that I am.
So for years the story was fueled with tales of his sister saying this, his mother doing that. I felt annoyed at how poorly they treated him, out of loyalty to him. When I was expecting the boys the game went up a gear, I realise it was a game now. As a result the boys have never really known their other family, their cousin six-years-older than them. And I let him do it.
Imagine my surprise today as he barely concealed the smirk on his face as he told me that he, sorry, they had taken the boys out to a country park near where we are from. There they met up with sister and cousin and all had a lovely afternoon together.
Wasn't that nice.
This is presumably to notch up my paranoia a little, to make me feel even more insecure and totally alone. How sister and her got on so well with each other. Lovely.
I don't get why he does these things still. What can he hope to achieve that hasn't already been done?
Saturday 24 May 2008
Wednesday 21 May 2008
I Predict
That by the end of this year I will not be the only one who needs a blog for theraputic-don't-take-it-out-at-home reasons.
Fuel.
Tax.
Nosy governments losing details.
It is enough for anyone to give up all hope. It is a struggle at the best of times.
Fuel.
Tax.
Nosy governments losing details.
It is enough for anyone to give up all hope. It is a struggle at the best of times.
Monday 12 May 2008
The War In His Letter
Communications from the lawyer.
He has written a letter (I say he, but I am more than certain he had 'help') that must be the truth in his mind yet is so far removed from reality I am once again perplexed...and more than a little frustrated. This must be how it feels when you give instructions to someone and they go and do a completely different action.
He left with only his clothes he says. Which must mean he wears the dvds, computers and other assorted junk he took as well.
He has been paying me child maintenance straight into my bank account. Must be invisible money as neither I nor the CSA have had so much as a penny. The debts he pays are debts and nothing to do with supporting his children, or is that wrong?
He changed address so I wouldn't be bothered by his mail. Yet it has only been in the past few months, actually since I started writing her address on the envelope before posting them back, that letters and thankfully phone calls have finally dried up.
He only gets to see the boys for a couple of hours every 3 weeks or so. Does that mean the entire day he spends with them, for example picking them up at 9:30 and dropping them off at about 5ish? Or perhaps the fact he can pick them up from school, he can take them to dinner, he can spend time with him during the week anytime he wants (and the two times in the past fortnight he has done so) doesn't count. Or the offer I gave that as long as I have a few days notice he can see them whenever he wants was misunderstood? Maybe he is confused at the amount of times he was supposed to turn up and didn't bother.
That is the one lie I hate the most. That he wants to make out I keep his sons from him. He hints strongly that all he wants is for his sons to come and spend the night at his house. He has forgotten the important thing, the thing that is beyond whatever points he tries to score - and forgetting I no longer play the game. He hasn't asked the boys. I have, they don't want to go. In fact they are happier when he picks them up during the week as they spend time with their daddy alone. He doesn't get this, he doesn't understand that perhaps they are unhappy with his girlfriend being in constant attendance, like a prison guard. They want to spend time with their daddy, just the three of them. The worst mistake he makes in this is presuming I can control how my sons feel and how they think. The worst mistake is even thinking I would do this to them, knowing my stance on boys, children, needing their fathers.
He has written a letter (I say he, but I am more than certain he had 'help') that must be the truth in his mind yet is so far removed from reality I am once again perplexed...and more than a little frustrated. This must be how it feels when you give instructions to someone and they go and do a completely different action.
He left with only his clothes he says. Which must mean he wears the dvds, computers and other assorted junk he took as well.
He has been paying me child maintenance straight into my bank account. Must be invisible money as neither I nor the CSA have had so much as a penny. The debts he pays are debts and nothing to do with supporting his children, or is that wrong?
He changed address so I wouldn't be bothered by his mail. Yet it has only been in the past few months, actually since I started writing her address on the envelope before posting them back, that letters and thankfully phone calls have finally dried up.
He only gets to see the boys for a couple of hours every 3 weeks or so. Does that mean the entire day he spends with them, for example picking them up at 9:30 and dropping them off at about 5ish? Or perhaps the fact he can pick them up from school, he can take them to dinner, he can spend time with him during the week anytime he wants (and the two times in the past fortnight he has done so) doesn't count. Or the offer I gave that as long as I have a few days notice he can see them whenever he wants was misunderstood? Maybe he is confused at the amount of times he was supposed to turn up and didn't bother.
That is the one lie I hate the most. That he wants to make out I keep his sons from him. He hints strongly that all he wants is for his sons to come and spend the night at his house. He has forgotten the important thing, the thing that is beyond whatever points he tries to score - and forgetting I no longer play the game. He hasn't asked the boys. I have, they don't want to go. In fact they are happier when he picks them up during the week as they spend time with their daddy alone. He doesn't get this, he doesn't understand that perhaps they are unhappy with his girlfriend being in constant attendance, like a prison guard. They want to spend time with their daddy, just the three of them. The worst mistake he makes in this is presuming I can control how my sons feel and how they think. The worst mistake is even thinking I would do this to them, knowing my stance on boys, children, needing their fathers.
Tuesday 6 May 2008
The War In His Head
Strange how a phone conversation can be distorted to listeners hearing only one side.
Injustice bothers me. I hate being thought of as something I am not.
I see how he paints me and it is not the truth. But they will believe it.
He enjoys the games, he enjoys the lies, he enjoys the fabric of the life he thinks he is living.
Now I can see it I know how to disassociate myself from it but it is hard. The hardest thing is seeing how my sons will be played. Luckily they possess far more knowledge than their father, to the point I heard them discuss the pregnancy and how it wasn't right because "daddy hasn't known A* long enough." From 6 year olds.
How do you deal with a request to "find another daddy, one who will play with us instead of going on the computer"? Wish I had boys, and wish I could.
Injustice bothers me. I hate being thought of as something I am not.
I see how he paints me and it is not the truth. But they will believe it.
He enjoys the games, he enjoys the lies, he enjoys the fabric of the life he thinks he is living.
Now I can see it I know how to disassociate myself from it but it is hard. The hardest thing is seeing how my sons will be played. Luckily they possess far more knowledge than their father, to the point I heard them discuss the pregnancy and how it wasn't right because "daddy hasn't known A* long enough." From 6 year olds.
How do you deal with a request to "find another daddy, one who will play with us instead of going on the computer"? Wish I had boys, and wish I could.
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