Have You Heard?

The money issue again. Isn't it always.

He visits, just after lunchtime on Tuesday, he was supposed to visit that evening to see the boys and how I am glad now that he didn't. For had they witnessed what was to happen I don't know how they would have acted.

Here is the money, says he. It is not quite enough to cover HIS debts which I am paying off, there will not be so much as a penny left for the boys. This does not bother me as much as needing a guarantee that he will give me the money regularly - if he doesn't I am sunk. And doesn't he know that.

In his usual manner, perhaps out of embarrassment or guilt at having left his wife in such a situation, he blows up. The shouting could be heard in a house across the street and a good few doors down. I know this, for the neighbour told another one who happens to be a friend. In her words he was "laying in to me."

And I am so glad she heard it. For according to him I was the one who started it, I was the one who did it all, we can't talk to each other and now I am keeping his sons from him. That would be his version then. The truth, as always, is so far removed from what he says as to be in another time zone.

After punching the wall and throwing his mobile phone he left, I told him I no longer wanted him anywhere near the house, he could pop the money in an envelope through the letterbox. I cannot have any more of this. He has no right to keep bullying me and I cannot believe how much of a facade my marriage was, I wanted so much for us to work that I overlooked the control and bullying. I've been a fool.

I have also laid a condition that to see the boys he needs to organise supervised access. I have to admit this, and it is hard, but after Tuesday I am scared. I am scared of how far he will go to put me through a living hell. I am scared how quickly the anger takes over him and how he never seems to remember what has gone on or what he has done (and forget waiting for an apology that is never going to happen.) I need to know my sons are safe. I think I am being more than reasonable, I have tried my best through this, I have bent over backwards so he could see the boys and he continually cancels.

He has said he never wants to speak to me again, he acts like I am the worst person to ever have crossed his path. I know he is playing on my insecurities that go back to childhood, he plays the game well, he plays me well and knows exactly which method will achieve the best results. My insecurity over never being good enough, never being listened to or cared about. I told him all of this and now he uses it against me.

What else will he do, I do not know. But I do know this. I cannot let him drive off with the only things I have left in the world, the ones that are more important to me than anything. Even if he wouldn't do anything to them I guarantee he would be late home, the mobile phone (number keeps changing too) would be turned off and anything else that would send me worrying to an early grave would be done. He would do this to destroy me. I cannot let my boys be used like that. Supervised visits would keep me sane, I would feel my sons were safe and not about to be smacked or shouted at.

I have never felt so alone. I feel a huge burden on me and every time I feel we are getting somewhere there is the shadow of him looming over me ready to kick me back into place. My mother says he does it out of guilt, my friend says it is because I don't cry over him anymore and am living my life. Whatever it is I wish no longer to be a part of his game.