Today I travel all the way to where he is now staying, an arrangement I am not too happy with but he will win regardless. I leave my sons there on the promise they are to be returned around "4ish." I am being reasonable, I am being generous so why doesn't he see that? Why does he continually tell me that seeing me and hearing me makes him shake with anger, makes his blood boil? What does he hope to achieve by saying this? Would it be better if I just gave up?
I have my sons, we are doing great, and then he contacts us. He knows he has financially crippled me, he knows I am stuck in this town with no hope. I am trying my best, I am continuing to offer my sons a stable, loving home life, I need to be an example rather than someone to be pitied.
He wants this, then he wants that, then he changes his mind, then it is me keeping the boys from him rather than him constantly rearranging everything. He has had his unsupervised access, it worries me but I have no choice. He would turn me into the "nasty ex keeping my children from me." The things he says I know this is how he portrays me to others. It is not so, I am so weary of this.
He lives with a couple, apparently. Only she is there today, only she is mentioned, the house is small, too small for 3 adults to live comfortably. They have 2 dogs, I think of Alex and my heart sinks further. We had a dog, because of him we no longer do. I miss Alex more than him.
So she is there the whole afternoon, she plays with the boys, I make a joke of him having someone else do the work but he calls me stroppy for saying that. I cannot say one word that is not misunderstood, that does not provoke him into backlash. The way he speaks to me, did he ever love me?
The boys are returned, loving this new person in their lives. I hold her no malice, anyone who treats the boys well is fine in my book and to be honest I would more pity her for falling under the manipulative spell of him. Youngest twin cuddles into me for the rest of the afternoon, quiet and reserved and unlike him. Eldest gets on with the business of playing.
Both tell me that this person is "daddy's girlfriend." I phone him to ask, it would be nice if for once he told me the truth, it isn't like I mind. Another fight, so easy to do, I repeat what I am saying as he doesn't seem to hear. He definitely doesn't hear, so he shouts, like he always does. I am telling him what his sons are saying, not telling him what I am saying but he can't understand this. So he shouts, he tells me how awful I am despite all I have done so his sons can see him. He says that he is having to move mountains when he won't cross a bridge due to roadworks meaning a 45 minute delay.
How much he hates me. What have I done that is so bad? Why am I being punished?
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