It is the hardest thing, the hardest thing. Standing on the edge of the dark pit and swaying. Only two sweet things stop a final tip into the blackness where it must be such a relief, just to stop and not feel so tired, so worn out and so beaten by stupid things.
The feeling passes but it is always there and while it seems like for every one step forward there are ten dragging backwards the feeling will continue.
At some point things have to get better, at some point nothing will happen, no bad news, no dread of knowing that shadow hangs over, of complete and frustrating helplessness. It is relentless.
Wednesday 30 April 2008
Well It Was For The Wii
But then the money I've been setting aside looks like it is about to be swallowed up by the car...again...
Rattling, underneath the engine on the drivers side.
Great.
Fairy Godmother, could you magic me up a new car that wouldn't take every penny I try and put by?
Rattling, underneath the engine on the drivers side.
Great.
Fairy Godmother, could you magic me up a new car that wouldn't take every penny I try and put by?
Saturday 26 April 2008
The Liar Lied To
During the internet blackout I wish I could say that I came to some understanding where everything worked out fine and life sorted itself out. This isn't a soap though.
The divorce has been kicked off. I do believe, from what he has said while she listens on the phone, that he told her this was his doing. However it was me and the funniest thing ever was when I received a letter from my solicitor stating that "Ms. C***** however, found him hard to believe." So it isn't just me then.
He still hasn't paid the CSA. He still peddles lies whenever and wherever he can. He still portrays me as some loony ex-wife holding on to the chance that maybe he will grace me with his presence once more as husband (oh God, the thought of it!) He still acts completely different when she listens in to any conversation we have, during the last one I was accused of being paranoid, well with him as an ex is it any wonder. After 10 years of him it is amazing I am not a jibbering wreck - well, not quite.
About a month ago he shows up after work, luckily the boys had finished their dinner as I don't like him wandering about the house anymore. I presumed it was to see the boys so I patiently waited for him to leave (I deserve a medal sometimes, even if I do say so myself.) Then for reasons that would make sense in his mind, and nowhere else, he starts talking about her and the baby and what it all means to him. And he sits there telling me how one baby will be a "breeze" (when he wasn't really there to help with two of them so how would he know) and that this baby won't be as smart as the boys and that he never wanted any more children (so either wear a condom or get the snip.) While he offloads, expecting God knows what because he won't get any sympathy from me, I realise what a completely selfish, nasty person he really is.
So I told him, in no uncertain terms, that all this was his doing and that in leaving he had shut the door permanently as life without him is much less fraught and I no longer have to walk on eggshells. It was actually quite a relief to tell him this, I am slowly returning to being me at last.
He has forced the boys to accept her and this baby without so much as considering their feelings on the matter. Luckily they have the normality, or close to normality, with me. Whether it is given the nod by the boffins or not I would rather the boys tell me any issues they have with what they are going through or speak to their teachers (they know they can do both) than bottle it up. If he continues to shut them out of his life, if he does tell them what is going on that concerns them then one day they simply won't be interested.
It is sad but it is true and my concern is purely for the boys and not for him and his bidey-in. As a friend pointed out, he wants her to be thought of as such a wonderful person but who shacks up with a man who just walked out on his family (whatever reason he gave her for it) and then gets pregnant within months? Sure accidents happen but if alarm bells didn't ring when she told him how she couldn't have children, and told him several times, then hell mend him.
I care only for the fact that this is the type of woman he has around my sons and that I had to explain to my boys that people do have babies without being married! They are so old-fashioned but Eldest was adamant that it couldn't possibly be true that she was having a baby because they weren't married.
And as for the title of this post...she waited until she was pregnant before telling him she didn't own the house they are living in, she just rents it.
Karma.
The divorce has been kicked off. I do believe, from what he has said while she listens on the phone, that he told her this was his doing. However it was me and the funniest thing ever was when I received a letter from my solicitor stating that "Ms. C***** however, found him hard to believe." So it isn't just me then.
He still hasn't paid the CSA. He still peddles lies whenever and wherever he can. He still portrays me as some loony ex-wife holding on to the chance that maybe he will grace me with his presence once more as husband (oh God, the thought of it!) He still acts completely different when she listens in to any conversation we have, during the last one I was accused of being paranoid, well with him as an ex is it any wonder. After 10 years of him it is amazing I am not a jibbering wreck - well, not quite.
About a month ago he shows up after work, luckily the boys had finished their dinner as I don't like him wandering about the house anymore. I presumed it was to see the boys so I patiently waited for him to leave (I deserve a medal sometimes, even if I do say so myself.) Then for reasons that would make sense in his mind, and nowhere else, he starts talking about her and the baby and what it all means to him. And he sits there telling me how one baby will be a "breeze" (when he wasn't really there to help with two of them so how would he know) and that this baby won't be as smart as the boys and that he never wanted any more children (so either wear a condom or get the snip.) While he offloads, expecting God knows what because he won't get any sympathy from me, I realise what a completely selfish, nasty person he really is.
So I told him, in no uncertain terms, that all this was his doing and that in leaving he had shut the door permanently as life without him is much less fraught and I no longer have to walk on eggshells. It was actually quite a relief to tell him this, I am slowly returning to being me at last.
He has forced the boys to accept her and this baby without so much as considering their feelings on the matter. Luckily they have the normality, or close to normality, with me. Whether it is given the nod by the boffins or not I would rather the boys tell me any issues they have with what they are going through or speak to their teachers (they know they can do both) than bottle it up. If he continues to shut them out of his life, if he does tell them what is going on that concerns them then one day they simply won't be interested.
It is sad but it is true and my concern is purely for the boys and not for him and his bidey-in. As a friend pointed out, he wants her to be thought of as such a wonderful person but who shacks up with a man who just walked out on his family (whatever reason he gave her for it) and then gets pregnant within months? Sure accidents happen but if alarm bells didn't ring when she told him how she couldn't have children, and told him several times, then hell mend him.
I care only for the fact that this is the type of woman he has around my sons and that I had to explain to my boys that people do have babies without being married! They are so old-fashioned but Eldest was adamant that it couldn't possibly be true that she was having a baby because they weren't married.
And as for the title of this post...she waited until she was pregnant before telling him she didn't own the house they are living in, she just rents it.
Karma.
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