It Says It All Really

He had the boys yesterday, got them a haircut that makes them look as though they are new army recruits or they have nits. I ask him to do one thing, just one less thing for me to do. Won't make that mistake again.

But then, at dinnertime, as I am contemplating a bath and pjs evening after a fairly quiet afternoon, he phones. Can I meet him halfway to pick up the boys rather than him bring them all the way home? Do I have a choice?

So I am late, I hadn't realised I would have to chip the ice from the car, plus I drove very carefully as I wasn't sure if the roads were icy too. Being all cautious you see. But still I went to pick up the boys.

Now, does he say "Thanks for coming out I know it was inconvenient, it being a cold night and all."

...or "Sorry for not being able to bring them all the way home."

...or "We were worried why you were late."

...or "Why are you late? I've been waiting ages."

Unlike those tv competitions, that ask questions and then give blatantly obvious answers, there is no premium rate phone line to call and no prize.

But the answer is blatantly obvious.

Happy New Year.

May 2009 bring good things for those who deserve them.

Its A Rich Man's World

All the things I could do, if I had a little money....

Y'know I used to sing that song, when it first came out, I don't remember how old I was exactly at the time but still in Primary school young.

I wonder what will happen. He has not answered the lawyer's letter so it looks like it will go to court in the New Year. He will regret not agreeing to the whatsitcalled as I doubt he will be let off so lightly when the court reviews what he isn't paying.

He didn't pay what he owes for the debts he left. Nevermind child maintenance, he quit his job so he wouldn't have to pay for that. But now he leaves me short of money so I can't look after my sons properly.

One day soon this will not be an issue. One day soon I will not have to forget to pay bills because he has done this. One day soon I will be confident in his paying up in full and on time and perhaps even giving me money to pay for things. I don't know what he thinks I do with the money but every penny goes towards paying the bills he left me with. It sometimes gets me down, the unfairness of it all, that he can skip off and not worry himself about them. When I step back and look at the scale of deceit that went on it is breathtaking. That someone so unimaginative could work things so brilliantly.

While my head is still fuzzy with the cold I realise this won't make much sense. But I see now how I allowed it to happen that he can blame most things on me and because I was so busy trying to keep his miserable arse happy I left myself wide open to the misunderstanding. Because I trusted and believed him. Because I was loyal enough to take his side. And now, with his shiny new family he can pretend everything that happened previously was to do with me and not to do with him and his lies. And because he is their father he can involve the boys with the nonsense, pretending that when they defend me they do so not because it is the truth but because I am some sad, jealous wreck of a person still clinging on bitterly to the past.

But there is some comfort in knowing how far I have come and that the person he is portraying to others for his own reason is as far from the truth as is everything he invents. It is just the money issue that causes concern and once that is sorted...

Still Here (part two)

Things go on and now that my life has completely separated from his, in all but the legal way but that should be sorted *very* soon, there is such a relief.

I still feel a fool for having stayed so long with someone so out of touch with reality.

He has realised the grass is not greener. A friend who once worked with him believes that what happened was flirting gone too far. His bidey-in will realise at some point the error of her ways and what a favour she did for me. Last time I saw her (she always sits in the car very aloof ) she had a familiar look on her face. I recognise that look from many a time before, the look of total unhappiness brought about by something he has done or said (the kind of thing you wish you could sort but know you can't, the kind of thing you can't believe someone who supposedly loves you could say/do that) the rot has started - so soon as well. And there is no way he could have laid on the lies to her that he did on me. Ach, it is their little problem now. Hope they enjoy their lives together and have a life they both deserve.

Me and the boys.

Well, it is a struggle but then such is life. I have a sense of contentment that sometimes wins out against the sadness and that feels good in a warm, comfy blanket kind of way. I know that the boys are happier, far happier although they despair when they have to visit their father and I try to explain that no matter what he is still their dad. But he has let them down so many times and that I cannot help with.

He wants to come with us when I take the boys' out for their birthday. I could strap one of those torture belts around my leg like the Monk in The Da Vinci Code and it would be more comfortable than that. It is up to the boys though as the day isn't about me and I can do anything for them, even spend time with him. Interestingly Bidey-In and Baby Tarzan are not invited, not by me but by him. Ah, the noose is tightening for him already.

Smile, things get better.

Still here

Still hanging on. Still dealing with the mind games. Still dealing with the nonsense that holds me and my little family back. Still here and only just.

Just Lately

I have been finding it hard. Just getting by day to day can tilt towards a struggle where the only thing to look forward to is bedtime and sleep. That is when I can sleep. Average time is between 1am - 3am depending.

I don't know how I can permanently shake this off. I should be building, not stagnating. It is as though I am drifting along, not being of any use to anyone, not even the boys.

I enjoy my own company, as an only child I always have done, but sometime the loneliness is crushing. Not that I wish for the old days, those were not what I thought they were anyway and I am glad to be gone from that. I drift along...anchorless...but still afloat.

It Isn't What They Think

So, this baby has arrived. Seven weeks early apparently, although I am not sure if that is true or just another of his lies to hide the rather quick event. In a couple of weeks it will be one year of freedom from him and look what has happened.

One friend wonders if I feel that I should be the only one to have his children. Oh please don't tell me that is how it seems. I stopped after having the boys because deep inside I knew I didn't want another baby with him, after seeing how he behaved when I was pregnant and when they were born. I do feel a pang of...what is it...regret/grief at the children I won't have now, the missed experience of giving my boys a sibling - an experience they have stolen from me. But I have my boys and that will have to be enough for me. Unfortunately he spoiled it by telling me that I have "more than some people have got." This from him, that is rich, very rich. I would have even more had it not been for him.

Naturally Bidey-in has suffered more than I did. Of course, it is only natural she would have an extreme pregnancy, an extreme birth experience. No doubt the child will have some drama attached to the poor thing. Despite the pre-eclampsia, the swelling up like Violet Beauregarde minus the blue-tinge, the sheer discomfort;my main concern was that I have two healthy babies. Not for me the act of the Queen of drama, squandering my first born's moments in feeling sorry for myself (in actual fact the first thing I did was read to them, despite the odd looks I got from everyone else.)

He quit his job. As it goes, he has never lasted more than a couple of years in his jobs but each one was "the one" that he had been waiting for, the one where he could shine. Never happened. This is so he doesn't have to pay the CSA, as apparently the money he pays to the debts is the only money I am to get from him. So supporting his children is not his problem, paying the debts he left is somehow giving me money?

Bidey-in shall now learn that you should be careful what you wish for. Good luck to her, she is going to need it.

I am ashamed to say I lost it. The emotional stress perhaps got the better of me, his knowing how much I had ached for another baby (yet never querying why I didn't go ahead and get pregnant again.)

He is lecturing me on his situation and I spit back, literally spit back that;

"I always wanted a family but I didn't need to pick up with someone's husband minutes after he walked out. I wouldn't go near anyone like that. I was in a supposed marriage, in a supposed relationship and heading for what I thought was our future together. I don't need to grab every guy passing and shag him in the hopes I'll have a baby. I'm old-fashioned, I wouldn't do that to him, to me, to my sons or to a baby. I am not that desperate."

I think I shock people sometimes when I react. No more the bovine, placid me. I should get some sleep.

I Knew This Anyway

Speaking with one of his ex-colleagues I learned some truths, ones I already knew despite his denying them.

Unbelievably he tried to pretend to them that nothing was going on. Bidey-in works in one place and he worked in another but it was the same company.

Amazingly the ex-colleagues side with me on this. They told him he was being incredibly stupid throwing away a marriage and children on that. He was a flirt, I knew that, I never minded that - window shopping is perfectly acceptable. Bidey-in seems to have responded to this flirting in a way that made him want to leave us for her.

And I am so glad he did now.

My only problem is the silly games he plays with the boys. They are unnecessary, but he will drive them away without my doing anything. It is a shame but that is what he is all about.

And I know that as soon as this new baby is born he will try and set them against this new child who has done nothing wrong but to share the same useless article of a father.

I will find out more as I am friends with this person, before we realised our common link. The natural progression will reveal more. But I have a feeling it will just confirm what I feel I already knew.

Lies Upon Lies Upon Lies

Today he made an utter arse of himself at the children's gala day, upsetting eldest son to the point where I had to work really hard to stop his whole day being spoiled. Yet he did this in front of everyone, his bizarre behaviour, the way his world revolves entirely around him. Ach, it is ridiculous. He travels all the way from his new house, apparently with her in tow as there is no show without Punch after all, to spend a few seconds distracting the boys?

I find out also that he has told the CSA several different stories and when challenged, has changed them. He is supposedly not working at his main job anymore yet he tells me he is and he drives a Range Rover that is a "company car" according to him. I don't know who he is lying to.

I still don't know his new address. He has told me a street name but as it is the main street in that town I don't know if that is true or not. I have said he cannot take the boys there until I have actually seen this house where they will spend time. And I mean see him go into the house with them. Yes, I do not trust him at all.

He continues his nonsense and I do not see the point. Is this some kind of mental health issue? I have a feeling it is and I felt that during the farce of a marriage too. I was battling against something, this thing that prevented him from actually enjoying what he had instead of inventing problems or blowing them out of proportion.

I ramble on. It is one of those days.

I've Got One Like That At Home

Speaking to a friend I haven't seen in a good long while.

Her ex has gotten his new bit up the duff too.

He has phoned her and spoken rather candidly about it.

Are they being cloned somewhere? These immature men who stamp all over us and then expect us to be there for them like we are their mothers?

She can't tell her son, we talked about this. I explained that the boys knew about it because Idiot's new bit can't stop showing them what she has bought for it recently while Idiot complains about having no money. Her boy took the separation worse than mine did, he had a dad who played with him and actually interacted with him on a daily basis. It is going to be difficult but why should she take the brunt of telling her son. Because she loves him, and that's where it gets us. We love our children, we try and protect them and do best by them to heal the wound caused by the family ripping apart. Not for us is the parenting for a few hours only.

I hear how my sons talk about their dad, this new baby and I ache for them as I can't make it better. I cannot defend their dad, I don't badmouth him but at the same time I feel that if I try and make it sound like everything was alright then they'll get confused about how they feel. So I let them talk, I listen, I hug and then we get on with things.

He expects me to tell the boys to love this new baby. How do I do that? Why should I do that? It is not my place and we do not talk about it, but if my sons bring it up then all I can do is hear what they say. I don't have experience of coming from a broken family, the new bit does yet seems to have learned nothing from it as she has cack-handed this from the start.

I was also speaking with someone who worked with Idiot. This at the place he worked, before he was sent to the other site, where he met her. His colleagues knew all about it, from what I heard not only did they think him incredibly stupid to throw away what he had but that they did not think as highly of him as he said they did! Now why aren't I surprised.

They know he is with her, they know about the new baby and disapprove. Good for them. This workmate has an ex too, he lives near me. Since his new bit got a ring on her finger she has banned the workmate from the house.

In a crazy world cake the new bit is the cherry on the top.

Playing Happy Families

A little back story first of all:

When I first met and then married him I knew his family weren't exactly normal. Well, what family is. He had a mother who was alcoholic, a father who was distant and alcoholic, a much elder brother and a control-freak sister. Of course this was all told to me, as reasons why he wanted to maintain a distance and I respected his wishes, fool that I am.

So for years the story was fueled with tales of his sister saying this, his mother doing that. I felt annoyed at how poorly they treated him, out of loyalty to him. When I was expecting the boys the game went up a gear, I realise it was a game now. As a result the boys have never really known their other family, their cousin six-years-older than them. And I let him do it.

Imagine my surprise today as he barely concealed the smirk on his face as he told me that he, sorry, they had taken the boys out to a country park near where we are from. There they met up with sister and cousin and all had a lovely afternoon together.

Wasn't that nice.

This is presumably to notch up my paranoia a little, to make me feel even more insecure and totally alone. How sister and her got on so well with each other. Lovely.

I don't get why he does these things still. What can he hope to achieve that hasn't already been done?

I Predict

That by the end of this year I will not be the only one who needs a blog for theraputic-don't-take-it-out-at-home reasons.

Fuel.

Tax.

Nosy governments losing details.

It is enough for anyone to give up all hope. It is a struggle at the best of times.

The War In His Letter

Communications from the lawyer.

He has written a letter (I say he, but I am more than certain he had 'help') that must be the truth in his mind yet is so far removed from reality I am once again perplexed...and more than a little frustrated. This must be how it feels when you give instructions to someone and they go and do a completely different action.

He left with only his clothes he says. Which must mean he wears the dvds, computers and other assorted junk he took as well.

He has been paying me child maintenance straight into my bank account. Must be invisible money as neither I nor the CSA have had so much as a penny. The debts he pays are debts and nothing to do with supporting his children, or is that wrong?

He changed address so I wouldn't be bothered by his mail. Yet it has only been in the past few months, actually since I started writing her address on the envelope before posting them back, that letters and thankfully phone calls have finally dried up.

He only gets to see the boys for a couple of hours every 3 weeks or so. Does that mean the entire day he spends with them, for example picking them up at 9:30 and dropping them off at about 5ish? Or perhaps the fact he can pick them up from school, he can take them to dinner, he can spend time with him during the week anytime he wants (and the two times in the past fortnight he has done so) doesn't count. Or the offer I gave that as long as I have a few days notice he can see them whenever he wants was misunderstood? Maybe he is confused at the amount of times he was supposed to turn up and didn't bother.

That is the one lie I hate the most. That he wants to make out I keep his sons from him. He hints strongly that all he wants is for his sons to come and spend the night at his house. He has forgotten the important thing, the thing that is beyond whatever points he tries to score - and forgetting I no longer play the game. He hasn't asked the boys. I have, they don't want to go. In fact they are happier when he picks them up during the week as they spend time with their daddy alone. He doesn't get this, he doesn't understand that perhaps they are unhappy with his girlfriend being in constant attendance, like a prison guard. They want to spend time with their daddy, just the three of them. The worst mistake he makes in this is presuming I can control how my sons feel and how they think. The worst mistake is even thinking I would do this to them, knowing my stance on boys, children, needing their fathers.

The War In His Head

Strange how a phone conversation can be distorted to listeners hearing only one side.

Injustice bothers me. I hate being thought of as something I am not.

I see how he paints me and it is not the truth. But they will believe it.

He enjoys the games, he enjoys the lies, he enjoys the fabric of the life he thinks he is living.

Now I can see it I know how to disassociate myself from it but it is hard. The hardest thing is seeing how my sons will be played. Luckily they possess far more knowledge than their father, to the point I heard them discuss the pregnancy and how it wasn't right because "daddy hasn't known A* long enough." From 6 year olds.

How do you deal with a request to "find another daddy, one who will play with us instead of going on the computer"? Wish I had boys, and wish I could.

Tired

It is the hardest thing, the hardest thing. Standing on the edge of the dark pit and swaying. Only two sweet things stop a final tip into the blackness where it must be such a relief, just to stop and not feel so tired, so worn out and so beaten by stupid things.

The feeling passes but it is always there and while it seems like for every one step forward there are ten dragging backwards the feeling will continue.

At some point things have to get better, at some point nothing will happen, no bad news, no dread of knowing that shadow hangs over, of complete and frustrating helplessness. It is relentless.

Well It Was For The Wii

But then the money I've been setting aside looks like it is about to be swallowed up by the car...again...

Rattling, underneath the engine on the drivers side.

Great.

Fairy Godmother, could you magic me up a new car that wouldn't take every penny I try and put by?

The Liar Lied To

During the internet blackout I wish I could say that I came to some understanding where everything worked out fine and life sorted itself out. This isn't a soap though.

The divorce has been kicked off. I do believe, from what he has said while she listens on the phone, that he told her this was his doing. However it was me and the funniest thing ever was when I received a letter from my solicitor stating that "Ms. C***** however, found him hard to believe." So it isn't just me then.

He still hasn't paid the CSA. He still peddles lies whenever and wherever he can. He still portrays me as some loony ex-wife holding on to the chance that maybe he will grace me with his presence once more as husband (oh God, the thought of it!) He still acts completely different when she listens in to any conversation we have, during the last one I was accused of being paranoid, well with him as an ex is it any wonder. After 10 years of him it is amazing I am not a jibbering wreck - well, not quite.

About a month ago he shows up after work, luckily the boys had finished their dinner as I don't like him wandering about the house anymore. I presumed it was to see the boys so I patiently waited for him to leave (I deserve a medal sometimes, even if I do say so myself.) Then for reasons that would make sense in his mind, and nowhere else, he starts talking about her and the baby and what it all means to him. And he sits there telling me how one baby will be a "breeze" (when he wasn't really there to help with two of them so how would he know) and that this baby won't be as smart as the boys and that he never wanted any more children (so either wear a condom or get the snip.) While he offloads, expecting God knows what because he won't get any sympathy from me, I realise what a completely selfish, nasty person he really is.

So I told him, in no uncertain terms, that all this was his doing and that in leaving he had shut the door permanently as life without him is much less fraught and I no longer have to walk on eggshells. It was actually quite a relief to tell him this, I am slowly returning to being me at last.

He has forced the boys to accept her and this baby without so much as considering their feelings on the matter. Luckily they have the normality, or close to normality, with me. Whether it is given the nod by the boffins or not I would rather the boys tell me any issues they have with what they are going through or speak to their teachers (they know they can do both) than bottle it up. If he continues to shut them out of his life, if he does tell them what is going on that concerns them then one day they simply won't be interested.

It is sad but it is true and my concern is purely for the boys and not for him and his bidey-in. As a friend pointed out, he wants her to be thought of as such a wonderful person but who shacks up with a man who just walked out on his family (whatever reason he gave her for it) and then gets pregnant within months? Sure accidents happen but if alarm bells didn't ring when she told him how she couldn't have children, and told him several times, then hell mend him.

I care only for the fact that this is the type of woman he has around my sons and that I had to explain to my boys that people do have babies without being married! They are so old-fashioned but Eldest was adamant that it couldn't possibly be true that she was having a baby because they weren't married.

And as for the title of this post...she waited until she was pregnant before telling him she didn't own the house they are living in, she just rents it.

Karma.

It Was Bound To Happen

I knew when he told me that she couldn't have children that it was a lie as he knew how much I longed for another.

So now she is pregnant. When he said, last summer, that he wanted another baby too I just didn't realise he meant not with me. To think that this month I haven't enough money to pay the bills, to think that I am at the lowest ebb ever, to think I cannot see any way out of this at all.

The unfairness of it all is devastating. More so because now I think of what the boys will think of it. Will they see this other family being made and feel left out? Will they want to be part of that rather than this fractured existence with me? I feel so hollow inside. All I ever wanted was a family, was to be loved and love in return. I never asked for much which is just as well as now I have nothing and nothing to give my two wonderful sons.

This Website May Be Experiencing Difficulties

Of the internet provider kind.

And while I consider how to sort out this new mess, created in an area I had never thought would be problematic, my mother comes up with the opinion that - knowing I do most of my work and contact through the net - he has done this on purpose.

Perhaps a little far fetched but as he is dragging his heels on contacting Tiscali then I do wonder.

Hmmm

He keeps phoning asking to speak to the boys at around 9pm at night.

He knows they go to bed at 8pm.

Go away and stop bothering me.

Is he checking up to ensure I haven't gotten myself a life yet? He tells me, for whatever reason, that he and she have only £40 to live on until he gets paid. Which means either he found someone as stupid as he is with money or he has started spending what is hers.

I think back to when we first started out. When I was at college I worked one job in the evenings and another job at the weekends - I paid the rent and most of the other bills while he, full of ideas and hopes and aspirations that I swallowed hook, line, sinker etc., tried to find his perfect job. In the time we were together he went through 5 career changes and countless jobs within those careers. I never complained because I understood what it was like to feel aimless, not to know where you are heading or what is right for you.

Plus I had gone through similar pains, never lived off of anyone though -I took the idea that while looking you did whatever job you could. Can't live by that now as childcare is a large restriction on that unfortunately (I've realised how many people, especially single parents, couldn't work at all if it weren't for family members helping out in the childcare department.) Still, I suppose that is what marked me out as a fool from the start, that I was so thick - trusting that someones intentions were always honourable. If I were kinder on myself I would say it was naivety due to how I was brought up.

And now, is he doing the same to her? The same line of constantly saying he is about to earn big money so it is okay to do this or that. Only it sounds like she is letting him go ahead whereas I was always cautious - is that where I was controlling? When I got ill and had to hand over dealing with the finances (though I still worked to a budget which he was then controlling) that is where it went wrong. Things that should have been paid (direct debit, very easy, you do nothing) weren't paid. Where did the money go? My mother is always going on about that.

I am rambling, so what is new. It was well after 2am before I got to sleep last night, so an early night for me at the moment. Was woken at 7am in the morning by a delivery man knocking on the door looking for a neighbours house (its a cul-de-sac, how hard can that be?)