The Dark Place

Words that are more hurtful than the fact he no longer loves me.

Hmmm, let me think. How about the reason he has been acting like this, so selfish and callous, is that he slept with a woman while away with work.

And the bomb drops. And the world explodes. And inside I wonder what is so wrong with me that someone I thought I knew, someone I thought I loved and would be with for all days, could do the one thing guaranteed to rip me apart.

This is it. Nothing more can be done and the life I knew is gone forever.

Realisation

Today I have realised something.

My life has turned into that Gloria Gaynor song, the one I absolutely detest.

Oh dear.

And Life Goes On

In my head the reasons he should have stayed swim round and round. The good times we had together, family days out, holidays.

Then the lies. The lies destroy everything good and tears change from sorrow to anger.

It goes on. The jigsaw pieces slowly form into the fuller picture, each piece uncovering another lie, each piece another painful problem to solve.

Yet still, life goes on. My sons, innocent and trusting, betrayed by the one person who should keep them safe. We are three, no longer four and we are strong and will get stronger and go beyond what has happened.

Everything has changed, nothing is as it was but it will get better and we will get better and the pain will end and all will be well.

Darkest Hour Of The Darkest Day

The darkest day is nearly done. The bags are packed, sorry the bin bags are packed and off he goes.

Inside I feel hollow. Yes, that is an appropriate word, hollow. Hollowed out by cruel words and expectations not met and rejection. Words that cannot be taken back, messages sent to a heart no longer listening.

The hour is quiet, the rain falls and in this comfortable life that has been ripped apart by one selfish act must change forever. Nothing is safe.

Sleeping children, the peace they bring and the realisation that I am stronger than I believed. I will rebuild this life for us, and face the world as three instead of four.

The End Of One Life And The Beginning Of Another

And so it begins.

While my heart slowly repairs from the hurt it feels and my head whirrs with what I have to do next my outlet for my feelings will be here.

I have tried the blame game; is it me? Did I not do enough? Was I too much of a doormat? Was I unreasonable in what I wanted from him? I can't stop thinking that this is my fault but my needs have always been simple. All I wanted from life was a husband who loved me, who made me feel secure and special, who would treat me with respect and have fun with me, who would tell me when I was being silly in a manner that wouldn't crush my spirit and who would be happy with the family we made together.

So what should I have done? I tried, oh Lord did I try, I lost the person I was 9 years ago when I took my vows with a person who had already lied to me. Oh I didn't know that then, what an excuse, I married someone who knew what they were getting, who knew what I wanted from life. Sometimes though, and especially now I wonder if he knew me at all or did he just pretend, go along with what I was saying...but for what?

He throws it up to me on many an occassion that I should have married someone with money. That is not ever what I wanted. We don't own our house, we don't have lots of money but happiness is free. When it is just me and our sons then the house is harmonious, we have a laugh, play and get on with life. But it is hard when you are married to someone who seems hell bent on destroying everything regardless of how many chances his wife gives him.

Who will suffer? My beautiful boys of course. Children need a father, they need two parents to guide them through life. I don't want to do this on my own but I must. My transition from stay-at-home-mum to working single parent has begun.