It Isn't What They Think

So, this baby has arrived. Seven weeks early apparently, although I am not sure if that is true or just another of his lies to hide the rather quick event. In a couple of weeks it will be one year of freedom from him and look what has happened.

One friend wonders if I feel that I should be the only one to have his children. Oh please don't tell me that is how it seems. I stopped after having the boys because deep inside I knew I didn't want another baby with him, after seeing how he behaved when I was pregnant and when they were born. I do feel a pang of...what is it...regret/grief at the children I won't have now, the missed experience of giving my boys a sibling - an experience they have stolen from me. But I have my boys and that will have to be enough for me. Unfortunately he spoiled it by telling me that I have "more than some people have got." This from him, that is rich, very rich. I would have even more had it not been for him.

Naturally Bidey-in has suffered more than I did. Of course, it is only natural she would have an extreme pregnancy, an extreme birth experience. No doubt the child will have some drama attached to the poor thing. Despite the pre-eclampsia, the swelling up like Violet Beauregarde minus the blue-tinge, the sheer discomfort;my main concern was that I have two healthy babies. Not for me the act of the Queen of drama, squandering my first born's moments in feeling sorry for myself (in actual fact the first thing I did was read to them, despite the odd looks I got from everyone else.)

He quit his job. As it goes, he has never lasted more than a couple of years in his jobs but each one was "the one" that he had been waiting for, the one where he could shine. Never happened. This is so he doesn't have to pay the CSA, as apparently the money he pays to the debts is the only money I am to get from him. So supporting his children is not his problem, paying the debts he left is somehow giving me money?

Bidey-in shall now learn that you should be careful what you wish for. Good luck to her, she is going to need it.

I am ashamed to say I lost it. The emotional stress perhaps got the better of me, his knowing how much I had ached for another baby (yet never querying why I didn't go ahead and get pregnant again.)

He is lecturing me on his situation and I spit back, literally spit back that;

"I always wanted a family but I didn't need to pick up with someone's husband minutes after he walked out. I wouldn't go near anyone like that. I was in a supposed marriage, in a supposed relationship and heading for what I thought was our future together. I don't need to grab every guy passing and shag him in the hopes I'll have a baby. I'm old-fashioned, I wouldn't do that to him, to me, to my sons or to a baby. I am not that desperate."

I think I shock people sometimes when I react. No more the bovine, placid me. I should get some sleep.