Another Day In Paradise

Lets start this morning. I backed into a neighbours car, a neighbour who apparently doesn't have a licence let alone insurance for her "friend's" car. She must have been driving pretty fast for me not to see her.

It was already turning into one of those days.

Then I get an irate call from him, are there any other kind?

The CSA have told him that they will be taking £400 per month from his wages. I know for a fact that despite there then being a surplus between what they take and what I already get I will not get any more. Yet I will still have to pay out all those bloody debts he left. Oh he was clever to leave them with me.

As my request for help did not work I am left wondering what to do. I am supposed to start work next month at some point but now am faced with the problem that I cannot afford to! A ridiculous situation but as I have not been unemployed for 6 months then I am not allowed to get any help during the transition to going onto a monthly wage. It makes me sick when I think how much effort I put into that interview, I am going to try and beg them to let me come in on the next intake which would be after my 6 month. So stupid, so so stupid that they do this.

AT SOME POINT I HAVE TO CATCH A BREAK BECAUSE THIS SURELY CANNOT GO ON!

No Angel For Me?

I know that I have failed as a mother to provide a stable family life for my sons, security and all that brings with it. I give them love and hide all this from them, it is my job to ensure they grow and flourish and that this has no lasting effect beyond a lesson in responsibilities and commitment. Yet I have still failed, and that is what cuts the most.

I asked for help, I did not receive, somewhere along the line I will understand why. So I am still at the end of the string for him to control. Perhaps I am not deserving enough, well I am aware that in the grand scheme of things we are not yet at rock bottom. I had hoped that it would not happen though, I had hoped that with a little help from some good Samaritans I could start to rebuild, we could turn things around. It still feels like a punishment for being stupid and naive which is how I feel on a good day.

Spoke Too Soon

Temptation is truly an irresistable urge. Such as tempting fate. Which I am guilty of.

I presume I had not reached my quota of having to deal with huffy phone calls this week.

I am looking on this as training for when my sons reach their difficult teenage years, I will be well prepared for the stroppy, moody lightening-change of attitude. I have to look on the positive side of this for otherwise I would simply disappear. Why do some people insist on making life so much harder than it could/should be?

And The Wheel Turns Full Circle

He is back to being somewhat nice to me. That is I haven't been called a name of late.

He has left me short, he knows it, he probably enjoys it and he knows I cannot complain. For he has nothing at all. Or so he says.

It is physically exhausting having to deal with this, I could do without it. I've never been that good with deceitful people, cannot fathom out why they would go to such an effort to lie all the time. And it wears me down.

It Is Written In The Stars

While discussing our ex-husbands (both men Virgo strangely enough and so similar they could be twins in their controlling, bullying, overly critical manner) with another single mother I told her that I have likened this period in time as having taken off a tight corset. You suddenly feel yourself relax and unstiffen and then wondered why you put yourself through it in the first place.

I realise how true this is. The relief that it is over now regardless of the continual churning inside due to leftover financial disasters (which, again, her Virgo-ex left her with too!) I did mention to him when he phoned in a panic over his bank account that now he knew how I felt every single day but I doubt he took it in or gave that a moments thought. I am short this month from what he has given me but what can I do, he already has his excuse. The money I had set aside to pay the next bill due in (gas and electricity) is now gone to his debts. This is how it is going to be and I can imagine it will get worse the minute I start work and he takes it as done that he need not pay me at all.

Corset off though, that is always something at least. Even if the price is high we three will come through this.

Manipulation

I have never thought myself particularly dumb before. Oh certainly there are what I call 'senior moments' which are allowed, even in the mid-thirties, if one has children. However the fact that even now he can still manipulate the situation, knowing what my reactions will be, must make me the biggest idiot ever.

I just can't stop though. As I scrabble about to get enough together to make the next weeks deadlines I know I will not phone to say that he has left me dangerously short. What is the point? This is how he wins, this is how he gets to live a life stress free while I have to go on. Knowing that I hate to be living a life like this, knowing how carefully I had always been for these situations never to occur until that moment where, through persuasion, I took my eye off the ball as the saying goes. Knowing that he has made a joke of everything I considered a value. Slowly I am rebuilding my life and piecing together again the person I was and the person I should have remained, before I got carried away making excuses for him.

The mess just gets deeper and stickier and I don't even tell him that I am aware of what he is doing. What would be the point. He hasn't learned any lesson, he continues as he has always done and he relishes that I cannot stop him.

What Is That Clucking Sound?

It must be the chickens coming home to roost.

He phones in a state of panic. Someone has arrested his wages and cleared out his bank account. That will be the bank account he said he didn't have? And he wants me to do something about it.

What can I do? It is not my business, I don't know who he owes money to other than the debts I deal with and they are ticking along. Of course now he has no money, or perhaps this is his story so he can stop giving me money.

Argh, I am sick of money, everything revolving around money. I want to be able to sleep through the night. I have been told by one of the debtors (that is a word right?) that when I start work the amount paid to them will automatically go up. Great, so while I try and get my little family out of this mess it follows me nipping at my heels.

A friend wrote to me recently saying that she wishes she could give me a winning lottery ticket or a long holiday. Thank you for the sentiment Hazelnuttin, the fact you care is enough, worth a lot more!