A little back story first of all:
When I first met and then married him I knew his family weren't exactly normal. Well, what family is. He had a mother who was alcoholic, a father who was distant and alcoholic, a much elder brother and a control-freak sister. Of course this was all told to me, as reasons why he wanted to maintain a distance and I respected his wishes, fool that I am.
So for years the story was fueled with tales of his sister saying this, his mother doing that. I felt annoyed at how poorly they treated him, out of loyalty to him. When I was expecting the boys the game went up a gear, I realise it was a game now. As a result the boys have never really known their other family, their cousin six-years-older than them. And I let him do it.
Imagine my surprise today as he barely concealed the smirk on his face as he told me that he, sorry, they had taken the boys out to a country park near where we are from. There they met up with sister and cousin and all had a lovely afternoon together.
Wasn't that nice.
This is presumably to notch up my paranoia a little, to make me feel even more insecure and totally alone. How sister and her got on so well with each other. Lovely.
I don't get why he does these things still. What can he hope to achieve that hasn't already been done?
Saturday, 24 May 2008
Wednesday, 21 May 2008
I Predict
That by the end of this year I will not be the only one who needs a blog for theraputic-don't-take-it-out-at-home reasons.
Fuel.
Tax.
Nosy governments losing details.
It is enough for anyone to give up all hope. It is a struggle at the best of times.
Fuel.
Tax.
Nosy governments losing details.
It is enough for anyone to give up all hope. It is a struggle at the best of times.
Monday, 12 May 2008
The War In His Letter
Communications from the lawyer.
He has written a letter (I say he, but I am more than certain he had 'help') that must be the truth in his mind yet is so far removed from reality I am once again perplexed...and more than a little frustrated. This must be how it feels when you give instructions to someone and they go and do a completely different action.
He left with only his clothes he says. Which must mean he wears the dvds, computers and other assorted junk he took as well.
He has been paying me child maintenance straight into my bank account. Must be invisible money as neither I nor the CSA have had so much as a penny. The debts he pays are debts and nothing to do with supporting his children, or is that wrong?
He changed address so I wouldn't be bothered by his mail. Yet it has only been in the past few months, actually since I started writing her address on the envelope before posting them back, that letters and thankfully phone calls have finally dried up.
He only gets to see the boys for a couple of hours every 3 weeks or so. Does that mean the entire day he spends with them, for example picking them up at 9:30 and dropping them off at about 5ish? Or perhaps the fact he can pick them up from school, he can take them to dinner, he can spend time with him during the week anytime he wants (and the two times in the past fortnight he has done so) doesn't count. Or the offer I gave that as long as I have a few days notice he can see them whenever he wants was misunderstood? Maybe he is confused at the amount of times he was supposed to turn up and didn't bother.
That is the one lie I hate the most. That he wants to make out I keep his sons from him. He hints strongly that all he wants is for his sons to come and spend the night at his house. He has forgotten the important thing, the thing that is beyond whatever points he tries to score - and forgetting I no longer play the game. He hasn't asked the boys. I have, they don't want to go. In fact they are happier when he picks them up during the week as they spend time with their daddy alone. He doesn't get this, he doesn't understand that perhaps they are unhappy with his girlfriend being in constant attendance, like a prison guard. They want to spend time with their daddy, just the three of them. The worst mistake he makes in this is presuming I can control how my sons feel and how they think. The worst mistake is even thinking I would do this to them, knowing my stance on boys, children, needing their fathers.
He has written a letter (I say he, but I am more than certain he had 'help') that must be the truth in his mind yet is so far removed from reality I am once again perplexed...and more than a little frustrated. This must be how it feels when you give instructions to someone and they go and do a completely different action.
He left with only his clothes he says. Which must mean he wears the dvds, computers and other assorted junk he took as well.
He has been paying me child maintenance straight into my bank account. Must be invisible money as neither I nor the CSA have had so much as a penny. The debts he pays are debts and nothing to do with supporting his children, or is that wrong?
He changed address so I wouldn't be bothered by his mail. Yet it has only been in the past few months, actually since I started writing her address on the envelope before posting them back, that letters and thankfully phone calls have finally dried up.
He only gets to see the boys for a couple of hours every 3 weeks or so. Does that mean the entire day he spends with them, for example picking them up at 9:30 and dropping them off at about 5ish? Or perhaps the fact he can pick them up from school, he can take them to dinner, he can spend time with him during the week anytime he wants (and the two times in the past fortnight he has done so) doesn't count. Or the offer I gave that as long as I have a few days notice he can see them whenever he wants was misunderstood? Maybe he is confused at the amount of times he was supposed to turn up and didn't bother.
That is the one lie I hate the most. That he wants to make out I keep his sons from him. He hints strongly that all he wants is for his sons to come and spend the night at his house. He has forgotten the important thing, the thing that is beyond whatever points he tries to score - and forgetting I no longer play the game. He hasn't asked the boys. I have, they don't want to go. In fact they are happier when he picks them up during the week as they spend time with their daddy alone. He doesn't get this, he doesn't understand that perhaps they are unhappy with his girlfriend being in constant attendance, like a prison guard. They want to spend time with their daddy, just the three of them. The worst mistake he makes in this is presuming I can control how my sons feel and how they think. The worst mistake is even thinking I would do this to them, knowing my stance on boys, children, needing their fathers.
Tuesday, 6 May 2008
The War In His Head
Strange how a phone conversation can be distorted to listeners hearing only one side.
Injustice bothers me. I hate being thought of as something I am not.
I see how he paints me and it is not the truth. But they will believe it.
He enjoys the games, he enjoys the lies, he enjoys the fabric of the life he thinks he is living.
Now I can see it I know how to disassociate myself from it but it is hard. The hardest thing is seeing how my sons will be played. Luckily they possess far more knowledge than their father, to the point I heard them discuss the pregnancy and how it wasn't right because "daddy hasn't known A* long enough." From 6 year olds.
How do you deal with a request to "find another daddy, one who will play with us instead of going on the computer"? Wish I had boys, and wish I could.
Injustice bothers me. I hate being thought of as something I am not.
I see how he paints me and it is not the truth. But they will believe it.
He enjoys the games, he enjoys the lies, he enjoys the fabric of the life he thinks he is living.
Now I can see it I know how to disassociate myself from it but it is hard. The hardest thing is seeing how my sons will be played. Luckily they possess far more knowledge than their father, to the point I heard them discuss the pregnancy and how it wasn't right because "daddy hasn't known A* long enough." From 6 year olds.
How do you deal with a request to "find another daddy, one who will play with us instead of going on the computer"? Wish I had boys, and wish I could.
Wednesday, 30 April 2008
Tired
It is the hardest thing, the hardest thing. Standing on the edge of the dark pit and swaying. Only two sweet things stop a final tip into the blackness where it must be such a relief, just to stop and not feel so tired, so worn out and so beaten by stupid things.
The feeling passes but it is always there and while it seems like for every one step forward there are ten dragging backwards the feeling will continue.
At some point things have to get better, at some point nothing will happen, no bad news, no dread of knowing that shadow hangs over, of complete and frustrating helplessness. It is relentless.
The feeling passes but it is always there and while it seems like for every one step forward there are ten dragging backwards the feeling will continue.
At some point things have to get better, at some point nothing will happen, no bad news, no dread of knowing that shadow hangs over, of complete and frustrating helplessness. It is relentless.
Well It Was For The Wii
But then the money I've been setting aside looks like it is about to be swallowed up by the car...again...
Rattling, underneath the engine on the drivers side.
Great.
Fairy Godmother, could you magic me up a new car that wouldn't take every penny I try and put by?
Rattling, underneath the engine on the drivers side.
Great.
Fairy Godmother, could you magic me up a new car that wouldn't take every penny I try and put by?
Saturday, 26 April 2008
The Liar Lied To
During the internet blackout I wish I could say that I came to some understanding where everything worked out fine and life sorted itself out. This isn't a soap though.
The divorce has been kicked off. I do believe, from what he has said while she listens on the phone, that he told her this was his doing. However it was me and the funniest thing ever was when I received a letter from my solicitor stating that "Ms. C***** however, found him hard to believe." So it isn't just me then.
He still hasn't paid the CSA. He still peddles lies whenever and wherever he can. He still portrays me as some loony ex-wife holding on to the chance that maybe he will grace me with his presence once more as husband (oh God, the thought of it!) He still acts completely different when she listens in to any conversation we have, during the last one I was accused of being paranoid, well with him as an ex is it any wonder. After 10 years of him it is amazing I am not a jibbering wreck - well, not quite.
About a month ago he shows up after work, luckily the boys had finished their dinner as I don't like him wandering about the house anymore. I presumed it was to see the boys so I patiently waited for him to leave (I deserve a medal sometimes, even if I do say so myself.) Then for reasons that would make sense in his mind, and nowhere else, he starts talking about her and the baby and what it all means to him. And he sits there telling me how one baby will be a "breeze" (when he wasn't really there to help with two of them so how would he know) and that this baby won't be as smart as the boys and that he never wanted any more children (so either wear a condom or get the snip.) While he offloads, expecting God knows what because he won't get any sympathy from me, I realise what a completely selfish, nasty person he really is.
So I told him, in no uncertain terms, that all this was his doing and that in leaving he had shut the door permanently as life without him is much less fraught and I no longer have to walk on eggshells. It was actually quite a relief to tell him this, I am slowly returning to being me at last.
He has forced the boys to accept her and this baby without so much as considering their feelings on the matter. Luckily they have the normality, or close to normality, with me. Whether it is given the nod by the boffins or not I would rather the boys tell me any issues they have with what they are going through or speak to their teachers (they know they can do both) than bottle it up. If he continues to shut them out of his life, if he does tell them what is going on that concerns them then one day they simply won't be interested.
It is sad but it is true and my concern is purely for the boys and not for him and his bidey-in. As a friend pointed out, he wants her to be thought of as such a wonderful person but who shacks up with a man who just walked out on his family (whatever reason he gave her for it) and then gets pregnant within months? Sure accidents happen but if alarm bells didn't ring when she told him how she couldn't have children, and told him several times, then hell mend him.
I care only for the fact that this is the type of woman he has around my sons and that I had to explain to my boys that people do have babies without being married! They are so old-fashioned but Eldest was adamant that it couldn't possibly be true that she was having a baby because they weren't married.
And as for the title of this post...she waited until she was pregnant before telling him she didn't own the house they are living in, she just rents it.
Karma.
The divorce has been kicked off. I do believe, from what he has said while she listens on the phone, that he told her this was his doing. However it was me and the funniest thing ever was when I received a letter from my solicitor stating that "Ms. C***** however, found him hard to believe." So it isn't just me then.
He still hasn't paid the CSA. He still peddles lies whenever and wherever he can. He still portrays me as some loony ex-wife holding on to the chance that maybe he will grace me with his presence once more as husband (oh God, the thought of it!) He still acts completely different when she listens in to any conversation we have, during the last one I was accused of being paranoid, well with him as an ex is it any wonder. After 10 years of him it is amazing I am not a jibbering wreck - well, not quite.
About a month ago he shows up after work, luckily the boys had finished their dinner as I don't like him wandering about the house anymore. I presumed it was to see the boys so I patiently waited for him to leave (I deserve a medal sometimes, even if I do say so myself.) Then for reasons that would make sense in his mind, and nowhere else, he starts talking about her and the baby and what it all means to him. And he sits there telling me how one baby will be a "breeze" (when he wasn't really there to help with two of them so how would he know) and that this baby won't be as smart as the boys and that he never wanted any more children (so either wear a condom or get the snip.) While he offloads, expecting God knows what because he won't get any sympathy from me, I realise what a completely selfish, nasty person he really is.
So I told him, in no uncertain terms, that all this was his doing and that in leaving he had shut the door permanently as life without him is much less fraught and I no longer have to walk on eggshells. It was actually quite a relief to tell him this, I am slowly returning to being me at last.
He has forced the boys to accept her and this baby without so much as considering their feelings on the matter. Luckily they have the normality, or close to normality, with me. Whether it is given the nod by the boffins or not I would rather the boys tell me any issues they have with what they are going through or speak to their teachers (they know they can do both) than bottle it up. If he continues to shut them out of his life, if he does tell them what is going on that concerns them then one day they simply won't be interested.
It is sad but it is true and my concern is purely for the boys and not for him and his bidey-in. As a friend pointed out, he wants her to be thought of as such a wonderful person but who shacks up with a man who just walked out on his family (whatever reason he gave her for it) and then gets pregnant within months? Sure accidents happen but if alarm bells didn't ring when she told him how she couldn't have children, and told him several times, then hell mend him.
I care only for the fact that this is the type of woman he has around my sons and that I had to explain to my boys that people do have babies without being married! They are so old-fashioned but Eldest was adamant that it couldn't possibly be true that she was having a baby because they weren't married.
And as for the title of this post...she waited until she was pregnant before telling him she didn't own the house they are living in, she just rents it.
Karma.
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