Still here

Still hanging on. Still dealing with the mind games. Still dealing with the nonsense that holds me and my little family back. Still here and only just.

Just Lately

I have been finding it hard. Just getting by day to day can tilt towards a struggle where the only thing to look forward to is bedtime and sleep. That is when I can sleep. Average time is between 1am - 3am depending.

I don't know how I can permanently shake this off. I should be building, not stagnating. It is as though I am drifting along, not being of any use to anyone, not even the boys.

I enjoy my own company, as an only child I always have done, but sometime the loneliness is crushing. Not that I wish for the old days, those were not what I thought they were anyway and I am glad to be gone from that. I drift along...anchorless...but still afloat.

It Isn't What They Think

So, this baby has arrived. Seven weeks early apparently, although I am not sure if that is true or just another of his lies to hide the rather quick event. In a couple of weeks it will be one year of freedom from him and look what has happened.

One friend wonders if I feel that I should be the only one to have his children. Oh please don't tell me that is how it seems. I stopped after having the boys because deep inside I knew I didn't want another baby with him, after seeing how he behaved when I was pregnant and when they were born. I do feel a pang of...what is it...regret/grief at the children I won't have now, the missed experience of giving my boys a sibling - an experience they have stolen from me. But I have my boys and that will have to be enough for me. Unfortunately he spoiled it by telling me that I have "more than some people have got." This from him, that is rich, very rich. I would have even more had it not been for him.

Naturally Bidey-in has suffered more than I did. Of course, it is only natural she would have an extreme pregnancy, an extreme birth experience. No doubt the child will have some drama attached to the poor thing. Despite the pre-eclampsia, the swelling up like Violet Beauregarde minus the blue-tinge, the sheer discomfort;my main concern was that I have two healthy babies. Not for me the act of the Queen of drama, squandering my first born's moments in feeling sorry for myself (in actual fact the first thing I did was read to them, despite the odd looks I got from everyone else.)

He quit his job. As it goes, he has never lasted more than a couple of years in his jobs but each one was "the one" that he had been waiting for, the one where he could shine. Never happened. This is so he doesn't have to pay the CSA, as apparently the money he pays to the debts is the only money I am to get from him. So supporting his children is not his problem, paying the debts he left is somehow giving me money?

Bidey-in shall now learn that you should be careful what you wish for. Good luck to her, she is going to need it.

I am ashamed to say I lost it. The emotional stress perhaps got the better of me, his knowing how much I had ached for another baby (yet never querying why I didn't go ahead and get pregnant again.)

He is lecturing me on his situation and I spit back, literally spit back that;

"I always wanted a family but I didn't need to pick up with someone's husband minutes after he walked out. I wouldn't go near anyone like that. I was in a supposed marriage, in a supposed relationship and heading for what I thought was our future together. I don't need to grab every guy passing and shag him in the hopes I'll have a baby. I'm old-fashioned, I wouldn't do that to him, to me, to my sons or to a baby. I am not that desperate."

I think I shock people sometimes when I react. No more the bovine, placid me. I should get some sleep.

I Knew This Anyway

Speaking with one of his ex-colleagues I learned some truths, ones I already knew despite his denying them.

Unbelievably he tried to pretend to them that nothing was going on. Bidey-in works in one place and he worked in another but it was the same company.

Amazingly the ex-colleagues side with me on this. They told him he was being incredibly stupid throwing away a marriage and children on that. He was a flirt, I knew that, I never minded that - window shopping is perfectly acceptable. Bidey-in seems to have responded to this flirting in a way that made him want to leave us for her.

And I am so glad he did now.

My only problem is the silly games he plays with the boys. They are unnecessary, but he will drive them away without my doing anything. It is a shame but that is what he is all about.

And I know that as soon as this new baby is born he will try and set them against this new child who has done nothing wrong but to share the same useless article of a father.

I will find out more as I am friends with this person, before we realised our common link. The natural progression will reveal more. But I have a feeling it will just confirm what I feel I already knew.

Lies Upon Lies Upon Lies

Today he made an utter arse of himself at the children's gala day, upsetting eldest son to the point where I had to work really hard to stop his whole day being spoiled. Yet he did this in front of everyone, his bizarre behaviour, the way his world revolves entirely around him. Ach, it is ridiculous. He travels all the way from his new house, apparently with her in tow as there is no show without Punch after all, to spend a few seconds distracting the boys?

I find out also that he has told the CSA several different stories and when challenged, has changed them. He is supposedly not working at his main job anymore yet he tells me he is and he drives a Range Rover that is a "company car" according to him. I don't know who he is lying to.

I still don't know his new address. He has told me a street name but as it is the main street in that town I don't know if that is true or not. I have said he cannot take the boys there until I have actually seen this house where they will spend time. And I mean see him go into the house with them. Yes, I do not trust him at all.

He continues his nonsense and I do not see the point. Is this some kind of mental health issue? I have a feeling it is and I felt that during the farce of a marriage too. I was battling against something, this thing that prevented him from actually enjoying what he had instead of inventing problems or blowing them out of proportion.

I ramble on. It is one of those days.

I've Got One Like That At Home

Speaking to a friend I haven't seen in a good long while.

Her ex has gotten his new bit up the duff too.

He has phoned her and spoken rather candidly about it.

Are they being cloned somewhere? These immature men who stamp all over us and then expect us to be there for them like we are their mothers?

She can't tell her son, we talked about this. I explained that the boys knew about it because Idiot's new bit can't stop showing them what she has bought for it recently while Idiot complains about having no money. Her boy took the separation worse than mine did, he had a dad who played with him and actually interacted with him on a daily basis. It is going to be difficult but why should she take the brunt of telling her son. Because she loves him, and that's where it gets us. We love our children, we try and protect them and do best by them to heal the wound caused by the family ripping apart. Not for us is the parenting for a few hours only.

I hear how my sons talk about their dad, this new baby and I ache for them as I can't make it better. I cannot defend their dad, I don't badmouth him but at the same time I feel that if I try and make it sound like everything was alright then they'll get confused about how they feel. So I let them talk, I listen, I hug and then we get on with things.

He expects me to tell the boys to love this new baby. How do I do that? Why should I do that? It is not my place and we do not talk about it, but if my sons bring it up then all I can do is hear what they say. I don't have experience of coming from a broken family, the new bit does yet seems to have learned nothing from it as she has cack-handed this from the start.

I was also speaking with someone who worked with Idiot. This at the place he worked, before he was sent to the other site, where he met her. His colleagues knew all about it, from what I heard not only did they think him incredibly stupid to throw away what he had but that they did not think as highly of him as he said they did! Now why aren't I surprised.

They know he is with her, they know about the new baby and disapprove. Good for them. This workmate has an ex too, he lives near me. Since his new bit got a ring on her finger she has banned the workmate from the house.

In a crazy world cake the new bit is the cherry on the top.

Playing Happy Families

A little back story first of all:

When I first met and then married him I knew his family weren't exactly normal. Well, what family is. He had a mother who was alcoholic, a father who was distant and alcoholic, a much elder brother and a control-freak sister. Of course this was all told to me, as reasons why he wanted to maintain a distance and I respected his wishes, fool that I am.

So for years the story was fueled with tales of his sister saying this, his mother doing that. I felt annoyed at how poorly they treated him, out of loyalty to him. When I was expecting the boys the game went up a gear, I realise it was a game now. As a result the boys have never really known their other family, their cousin six-years-older than them. And I let him do it.

Imagine my surprise today as he barely concealed the smirk on his face as he told me that he, sorry, they had taken the boys out to a country park near where we are from. There they met up with sister and cousin and all had a lovely afternoon together.

Wasn't that nice.

This is presumably to notch up my paranoia a little, to make me feel even more insecure and totally alone. How sister and her got on so well with each other. Lovely.

I don't get why he does these things still. What can he hope to achieve that hasn't already been done?