Its The Same Old Song Playing All The Time

Money, money, money, monnneeey.

So I emailed him the amount he owes, this of course does not include any maintenence for the boys. I have not had one single penny toward that, in fact as he has constantly been short with the money he gives me he is actually taking money away from us. Not that this concerns him of course.

Instead of seeing that I am needing to organise payments to keep the wolves from the door, he sees it as hassling him once again. Which I suppose I am, but what else am I supposed to do? He tells me one thing and then another, he lies and then lies about the lies. He is desperate for me to tell him that I have gotten this job, as he will then see it as a free reign not to bother paying me ever again.

What did we do to deserve this? Why can't he see that all he needs to do is tell me how much he is giving me and when so I know the payments can be made, payments I am having to make because he left me with them? I sometimes want to just scream with frustration, I wonder if his new girlfriend knows this, or am I portrayed as the evil ex constantly hounding him over money (not bothering about the bit where it is the money he owes rather than me so in fact he isn't paying me at all.)

I cannot be bothered with this anymore. Tonight he was screaming about how he will set up a direct debit then he will never have to come to the house again...so you have a bank account says I. Silence, and then denial, no of course not he has to set up one. God will there be one day where he doesn't lie? I am sick of lies, lies, lies, lies, lies. And I see him continuing the same as ever, having learned nothing. I only hope this doesn't cost the girlfriend her car or house.

There has to be a way out of this somehow. I cannot stand it much longer.

Playing Mummy

Saturday, after much deliberation, once again he shouts about having to do things according to "my rules" before getting his own way again. I am so weak yet so fed up of being bullied by him. I state that we never do my rules but always his and it goes without comment.

So, because I need for my sons to see their father I agree to them once again going to his new house. I am very aware of his treating this new girlfriend the way he once treated me. Hold her at arms length from anyone who may just tell her the truth about him. I see him use his sons the way he once used his nephew with me, playing happy families on days out.

He wants unsupervised access but he is playing his game well. He is never unsupervised because his new girlfriend is always there, playing mummy with my sons. She is trying to buy their love and because he does not know or understand them he is allowing her to.

Of course, he can now paint me as the jealous ex. I see the relish in his eyes as he realises this. He does not understand, nor does he wish to, that my annoyance has nothing to do with this poor woman who is alarmingly very like his sister in attitude. To me he acts as though she is demanding to be present at every outing. I know she is there because he cannot look after his own sons himself. He is pretending to her that he is the caring father who is battling his awful ex just to see his own boys. I wonder what he tells her because I would imagine the last thing he would ever want is for me to speak to her directly.

I would bet money that she knows nothing of the debts he left with us. I would bet money that she knows nothing of the way he treated me for years, and I allowed him to I am guilty of that. I would bet money she knows nothing of the lies and manipulation that she has just walked into.

And he is counting on his control of me to remain such that she will never find out.

So he twists the knife. Makes sure her constant attendence for every visit is a source of irritation for me. Joy to him that my sons are confident enough in themselves to like her (not realising that she is to them a friend, I am their mother and that is that.) I see his game, I know his plans and from this moment on I will not enter into it.

Does he want me to be jealous of her? Does he want me to argue, shout, have hysterics? The Stokes family trait, as laid down in law by his mother, is for the smallest thing to become a huge drama. Not for them the idea of finding a solution for a problem, instead the problem would be magnified unnecessarily with much wringing of hands and grand statements. It was never my way, at best I was bemused by the whole rigmarole for every single issue.

Time for this to stop. From now on I must put effort into not partaking of the nonsense. Of taking a step back. Amazingly I have found that in the past few weeks little parts of my character, ones that I thought had died long ago, are resurfacing. The person I once was before I fell for the manipulation and lies is coming back. And about time too.

I'll Sail This Ship Alone

There are sometimes, while I try to remain buoyant in front of everyone else that I am almost overwhelmed by this crushing loneliness.

Then I remember how lonely I was while he was here, and that nothing has really changed for me in that respect.

Is this why I so enjoy Persuasion? The ache of hope that all is not lost and that there is a chance for happiness no matter what, no matter how many mistakes you have made. I do wander into melancholy if I dwell on my situation too long.

How Can I Put This So You Will Understand?

He still doesn't get it. The money thing. He still doesn't get that he has to pay his debts, he still doesn't get that I am not taking all his money and having wild parties. Every penny goes towards paying off his debts, every penny and not one goes towards raising his sons. Yet he hints at how much money he thinks I am getting and how I should be using that to pay the debts. Presumably we should then live off fresh air.

I have positive signals of work, or at least an interview which is a step in the right direction. Oh I hope but then, as soon as I start earning he will feel the need to pay up less and less. I worry I will end up paying his debts off and ending up in a worse state.

I wish for a guardian angel, I wish it could all be gone and we three could get on with our lives. He is the complication, he is the only problem. I am rebuilding the family, I am raising happy and healthy boys who know right from wrong, who know not to lie. And who will know financial sense, I'll make sure of that.

Trust and stupidity, I am guilty of both.

Is It Something I Did In A Previous Life?

Today I travel all the way to where he is now staying, an arrangement I am not too happy with but he will win regardless. I leave my sons there on the promise they are to be returned around "4ish." I am being reasonable, I am being generous so why doesn't he see that? Why does he continually tell me that seeing me and hearing me makes him shake with anger, makes his blood boil? What does he hope to achieve by saying this? Would it be better if I just gave up?

I have my sons, we are doing great, and then he contacts us. He knows he has financially crippled me, he knows I am stuck in this town with no hope. I am trying my best, I am continuing to offer my sons a stable, loving home life, I need to be an example rather than someone to be pitied.

He wants this, then he wants that, then he changes his mind, then it is me keeping the boys from him rather than him constantly rearranging everything. He has had his unsupervised access, it worries me but I have no choice. He would turn me into the "nasty ex keeping my children from me." The things he says I know this is how he portrays me to others. It is not so, I am so weary of this.

He lives with a couple, apparently. Only she is there today, only she is mentioned, the house is small, too small for 3 adults to live comfortably. They have 2 dogs, I think of Alex and my heart sinks further. We had a dog, because of him we no longer do. I miss Alex more than him.

So she is there the whole afternoon, she plays with the boys, I make a joke of him having someone else do the work but he calls me stroppy for saying that. I cannot say one word that is not misunderstood, that does not provoke him into backlash. The way he speaks to me, did he ever love me?

The boys are returned, loving this new person in their lives. I hold her no malice, anyone who treats the boys well is fine in my book and to be honest I would more pity her for falling under the manipulative spell of him. Youngest twin cuddles into me for the rest of the afternoon, quiet and reserved and unlike him. Eldest gets on with the business of playing.

Both tell me that this person is "daddy's girlfriend." I phone him to ask, it would be nice if for once he told me the truth, it isn't like I mind. Another fight, so easy to do, I repeat what I am saying as he doesn't seem to hear. He definitely doesn't hear, so he shouts, like he always does. I am telling him what his sons are saying, not telling him what I am saying but he can't understand this. So he shouts, he tells me how awful I am despite all I have done so his sons can see him. He says that he is having to move mountains when he won't cross a bridge due to roadworks meaning a 45 minute delay.

How much he hates me. What have I done that is so bad? Why am I being punished?

At A Loss

Looking back on Sundays events I begin to realise what truly went on.

His refusal to have supervised visits, his refusal to have me drop the boys off at a specified location and wait for them, his refusal to do one thing he asked as soon as I agreed to it. (Take them to the local town shopping centre, yes I would do that and suddenly that is no good anymore.)

He demanded that he take them to this new place he is staying, a place I have not the address for, phone number for just the general location in the name of the town. Would I think he would do anything to hurt my sons? Perhaps not but again he would make sure I couldn't contact him during the time they were away, he would be late enough on returning to have me seriously worried. And again my main concern, he cannot control his anger with me (now he says he didn't throw the phone at me but at the floor...where I was standing), what about when the boys behave as boys? Without me there to step in.

When he did live here I would beg him to go play with them. Go build Lego things, play cars or train or something, interact with them. He complained he had no bond with them so that was my solution then. So up the stairs he would go, and they would play in their room and he would switch the computer on and that would be that.

It has always been thus. Here is the problem, I have to find the solution, that is not good enough for him and he remains unhappy with it. What can I do? What can I do?

Every Single Line Of Relevance

If I had a theme tune it would be this at the moment.

Today, not good. He phones, acts like I am keeping his sons from him, fails to understand my position, fails to see anything from any other viewpoint but his own. Uses my own sons as pawns in his game. Complains that these are my rules when what he demands is that I do things by his rules. Twists and turns and all the same, again I am blamed for not doing as he says.

He does not see how his actions have come across, does not see that he is being unreasonable in expecting me to allow my sons to go, alone, into a car with someone who only recently talked of killing himself (and who today said to me "You'd be glad if I just jumped off a bridge" this is how he talks of killing himself, off a bridge by jumping or driving) who acts like I am this awful person. Who is using any little jibe he can at the moment to get me to rise to the bait. He fails to see that he is hurting the boys, he fails to see that I have and still would bend over backwards to accommodate his seeing them but that considering all he has done and said I am scared, yes bloody scared, to let him drive off with my sons.

So I shall be portrayed as the baddie. The mean ex who denies access when really all I have done is ask for one small thing, one tiny thing that any other father would jump on for the chance to see his children. I nearly give in, I nearly do but I have far more to lose in this, I have my sons to lose and no amount of emotional blackmail, no amount of shouting that I am laying down the rules will make me put my sons in a situation I am not comfortable with.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do, I'm going to need advice from people who deal with this all the time, I need help to get over what he has done to me over the years.

Just because this doesn't leave a visable bruise doesn't mean the pain is not significant.

I'm getting stronger. I'm getting stronger.