Some Day I Shall Look Back On This

And probably be very embarrassed that I wasn't strong enough to say "f**k 'em" right at the start.

Time ticks on and things progress at a glacial pace. If getting married took so long then fewer people would do it.

No, I shouldn't say that lest anyone think I refer to my own situation. I thought I knew what I was getting into, I was lied to. End of.

Now, apart from an endless frustration at the unfairness of certain situations we three are a happy little group. My worries now concern my father and how long I have left with him in our lives. I do wish I could have the backbone to show how little I care about what went on. I got over it, there isn't an issue there, however I shall blame my Sagittarian heart that I carry a grudge forever.

And as long as I do that then perhaps this is where I will stay.

It Says It All Really

He had the boys yesterday, got them a haircut that makes them look as though they are new army recruits or they have nits. I ask him to do one thing, just one less thing for me to do. Won't make that mistake again.

But then, at dinnertime, as I am contemplating a bath and pjs evening after a fairly quiet afternoon, he phones. Can I meet him halfway to pick up the boys rather than him bring them all the way home? Do I have a choice?

So I am late, I hadn't realised I would have to chip the ice from the car, plus I drove very carefully as I wasn't sure if the roads were icy too. Being all cautious you see. But still I went to pick up the boys.

Now, does he say "Thanks for coming out I know it was inconvenient, it being a cold night and all."

...or "Sorry for not being able to bring them all the way home."

...or "We were worried why you were late."

...or "Why are you late? I've been waiting ages."

Unlike those tv competitions, that ask questions and then give blatantly obvious answers, there is no premium rate phone line to call and no prize.

But the answer is blatantly obvious.

Happy New Year.

May 2009 bring good things for those who deserve them.

Its A Rich Man's World

All the things I could do, if I had a little money....

Y'know I used to sing that song, when it first came out, I don't remember how old I was exactly at the time but still in Primary school young.

I wonder what will happen. He has not answered the lawyer's letter so it looks like it will go to court in the New Year. He will regret not agreeing to the whatsitcalled as I doubt he will be let off so lightly when the court reviews what he isn't paying.

He didn't pay what he owes for the debts he left. Nevermind child maintenance, he quit his job so he wouldn't have to pay for that. But now he leaves me short of money so I can't look after my sons properly.

One day soon this will not be an issue. One day soon I will not have to forget to pay bills because he has done this. One day soon I will be confident in his paying up in full and on time and perhaps even giving me money to pay for things. I don't know what he thinks I do with the money but every penny goes towards paying the bills he left me with. It sometimes gets me down, the unfairness of it all, that he can skip off and not worry himself about them. When I step back and look at the scale of deceit that went on it is breathtaking. That someone so unimaginative could work things so brilliantly.

While my head is still fuzzy with the cold I realise this won't make much sense. But I see now how I allowed it to happen that he can blame most things on me and because I was so busy trying to keep his miserable arse happy I left myself wide open to the misunderstanding. Because I trusted and believed him. Because I was loyal enough to take his side. And now, with his shiny new family he can pretend everything that happened previously was to do with me and not to do with him and his lies. And because he is their father he can involve the boys with the nonsense, pretending that when they defend me they do so not because it is the truth but because I am some sad, jealous wreck of a person still clinging on bitterly to the past.

But there is some comfort in knowing how far I have come and that the person he is portraying to others for his own reason is as far from the truth as is everything he invents. It is just the money issue that causes concern and once that is sorted...

Still Here (part two)

Things go on and now that my life has completely separated from his, in all but the legal way but that should be sorted *very* soon, there is such a relief.

I still feel a fool for having stayed so long with someone so out of touch with reality.

He has realised the grass is not greener. A friend who once worked with him believes that what happened was flirting gone too far. His bidey-in will realise at some point the error of her ways and what a favour she did for me. Last time I saw her (she always sits in the car very aloof ) she had a familiar look on her face. I recognise that look from many a time before, the look of total unhappiness brought about by something he has done or said (the kind of thing you wish you could sort but know you can't, the kind of thing you can't believe someone who supposedly loves you could say/do that) the rot has started - so soon as well. And there is no way he could have laid on the lies to her that he did on me. Ach, it is their little problem now. Hope they enjoy their lives together and have a life they both deserve.

Me and the boys.

Well, it is a struggle but then such is life. I have a sense of contentment that sometimes wins out against the sadness and that feels good in a warm, comfy blanket kind of way. I know that the boys are happier, far happier although they despair when they have to visit their father and I try to explain that no matter what he is still their dad. But he has let them down so many times and that I cannot help with.

He wants to come with us when I take the boys' out for their birthday. I could strap one of those torture belts around my leg like the Monk in The Da Vinci Code and it would be more comfortable than that. It is up to the boys though as the day isn't about me and I can do anything for them, even spend time with him. Interestingly Bidey-In and Baby Tarzan are not invited, not by me but by him. Ah, the noose is tightening for him already.

Smile, things get better.

Still here

Still hanging on. Still dealing with the mind games. Still dealing with the nonsense that holds me and my little family back. Still here and only just.

Just Lately

I have been finding it hard. Just getting by day to day can tilt towards a struggle where the only thing to look forward to is bedtime and sleep. That is when I can sleep. Average time is between 1am - 3am depending.

I don't know how I can permanently shake this off. I should be building, not stagnating. It is as though I am drifting along, not being of any use to anyone, not even the boys.

I enjoy my own company, as an only child I always have done, but sometime the loneliness is crushing. Not that I wish for the old days, those were not what I thought they were anyway and I am glad to be gone from that. I drift along...anchorless...but still afloat.

It Isn't What They Think

So, this baby has arrived. Seven weeks early apparently, although I am not sure if that is true or just another of his lies to hide the rather quick event. In a couple of weeks it will be one year of freedom from him and look what has happened.

One friend wonders if I feel that I should be the only one to have his children. Oh please don't tell me that is how it seems. I stopped after having the boys because deep inside I knew I didn't want another baby with him, after seeing how he behaved when I was pregnant and when they were born. I do feel a pang of...what is it...regret/grief at the children I won't have now, the missed experience of giving my boys a sibling - an experience they have stolen from me. But I have my boys and that will have to be enough for me. Unfortunately he spoiled it by telling me that I have "more than some people have got." This from him, that is rich, very rich. I would have even more had it not been for him.

Naturally Bidey-in has suffered more than I did. Of course, it is only natural she would have an extreme pregnancy, an extreme birth experience. No doubt the child will have some drama attached to the poor thing. Despite the pre-eclampsia, the swelling up like Violet Beauregarde minus the blue-tinge, the sheer discomfort;my main concern was that I have two healthy babies. Not for me the act of the Queen of drama, squandering my first born's moments in feeling sorry for myself (in actual fact the first thing I did was read to them, despite the odd looks I got from everyone else.)

He quit his job. As it goes, he has never lasted more than a couple of years in his jobs but each one was "the one" that he had been waiting for, the one where he could shine. Never happened. This is so he doesn't have to pay the CSA, as apparently the money he pays to the debts is the only money I am to get from him. So supporting his children is not his problem, paying the debts he left is somehow giving me money?

Bidey-in shall now learn that you should be careful what you wish for. Good luck to her, she is going to need it.

I am ashamed to say I lost it. The emotional stress perhaps got the better of me, his knowing how much I had ached for another baby (yet never querying why I didn't go ahead and get pregnant again.)

He is lecturing me on his situation and I spit back, literally spit back that;

"I always wanted a family but I didn't need to pick up with someone's husband minutes after he walked out. I wouldn't go near anyone like that. I was in a supposed marriage, in a supposed relationship and heading for what I thought was our future together. I don't need to grab every guy passing and shag him in the hopes I'll have a baby. I'm old-fashioned, I wouldn't do that to him, to me, to my sons or to a baby. I am not that desperate."

I think I shock people sometimes when I react. No more the bovine, placid me. I should get some sleep.