Another Day In Paradise

Lets start this morning. I backed into a neighbours car, a neighbour who apparently doesn't have a licence let alone insurance for her "friend's" car. She must have been driving pretty fast for me not to see her.

It was already turning into one of those days.

Then I get an irate call from him, are there any other kind?

The CSA have told him that they will be taking £400 per month from his wages. I know for a fact that despite there then being a surplus between what they take and what I already get I will not get any more. Yet I will still have to pay out all those bloody debts he left. Oh he was clever to leave them with me.

As my request for help did not work I am left wondering what to do. I am supposed to start work next month at some point but now am faced with the problem that I cannot afford to! A ridiculous situation but as I have not been unemployed for 6 months then I am not allowed to get any help during the transition to going onto a monthly wage. It makes me sick when I think how much effort I put into that interview, I am going to try and beg them to let me come in on the next intake which would be after my 6 month. So stupid, so so stupid that they do this.

AT SOME POINT I HAVE TO CATCH A BREAK BECAUSE THIS SURELY CANNOT GO ON!

No Angel For Me?

I know that I have failed as a mother to provide a stable family life for my sons, security and all that brings with it. I give them love and hide all this from them, it is my job to ensure they grow and flourish and that this has no lasting effect beyond a lesson in responsibilities and commitment. Yet I have still failed, and that is what cuts the most.

I asked for help, I did not receive, somewhere along the line I will understand why. So I am still at the end of the string for him to control. Perhaps I am not deserving enough, well I am aware that in the grand scheme of things we are not yet at rock bottom. I had hoped that it would not happen though, I had hoped that with a little help from some good Samaritans I could start to rebuild, we could turn things around. It still feels like a punishment for being stupid and naive which is how I feel on a good day.

Spoke Too Soon

Temptation is truly an irresistable urge. Such as tempting fate. Which I am guilty of.

I presume I had not reached my quota of having to deal with huffy phone calls this week.

I am looking on this as training for when my sons reach their difficult teenage years, I will be well prepared for the stroppy, moody lightening-change of attitude. I have to look on the positive side of this for otherwise I would simply disappear. Why do some people insist on making life so much harder than it could/should be?

And The Wheel Turns Full Circle

He is back to being somewhat nice to me. That is I haven't been called a name of late.

He has left me short, he knows it, he probably enjoys it and he knows I cannot complain. For he has nothing at all. Or so he says.

It is physically exhausting having to deal with this, I could do without it. I've never been that good with deceitful people, cannot fathom out why they would go to such an effort to lie all the time. And it wears me down.

It Is Written In The Stars

While discussing our ex-husbands (both men Virgo strangely enough and so similar they could be twins in their controlling, bullying, overly critical manner) with another single mother I told her that I have likened this period in time as having taken off a tight corset. You suddenly feel yourself relax and unstiffen and then wondered why you put yourself through it in the first place.

I realise how true this is. The relief that it is over now regardless of the continual churning inside due to leftover financial disasters (which, again, her Virgo-ex left her with too!) I did mention to him when he phoned in a panic over his bank account that now he knew how I felt every single day but I doubt he took it in or gave that a moments thought. I am short this month from what he has given me but what can I do, he already has his excuse. The money I had set aside to pay the next bill due in (gas and electricity) is now gone to his debts. This is how it is going to be and I can imagine it will get worse the minute I start work and he takes it as done that he need not pay me at all.

Corset off though, that is always something at least. Even if the price is high we three will come through this.

Manipulation

I have never thought myself particularly dumb before. Oh certainly there are what I call 'senior moments' which are allowed, even in the mid-thirties, if one has children. However the fact that even now he can still manipulate the situation, knowing what my reactions will be, must make me the biggest idiot ever.

I just can't stop though. As I scrabble about to get enough together to make the next weeks deadlines I know I will not phone to say that he has left me dangerously short. What is the point? This is how he wins, this is how he gets to live a life stress free while I have to go on. Knowing that I hate to be living a life like this, knowing how carefully I had always been for these situations never to occur until that moment where, through persuasion, I took my eye off the ball as the saying goes. Knowing that he has made a joke of everything I considered a value. Slowly I am rebuilding my life and piecing together again the person I was and the person I should have remained, before I got carried away making excuses for him.

The mess just gets deeper and stickier and I don't even tell him that I am aware of what he is doing. What would be the point. He hasn't learned any lesson, he continues as he has always done and he relishes that I cannot stop him.

What Is That Clucking Sound?

It must be the chickens coming home to roost.

He phones in a state of panic. Someone has arrested his wages and cleared out his bank account. That will be the bank account he said he didn't have? And he wants me to do something about it.

What can I do? It is not my business, I don't know who he owes money to other than the debts I deal with and they are ticking along. Of course now he has no money, or perhaps this is his story so he can stop giving me money.

Argh, I am sick of money, everything revolving around money. I want to be able to sleep through the night. I have been told by one of the debtors (that is a word right?) that when I start work the amount paid to them will automatically go up. Great, so while I try and get my little family out of this mess it follows me nipping at my heels.

A friend wrote to me recently saying that she wishes she could give me a winning lottery ticket or a long holiday. Thank you for the sentiment Hazelnuttin, the fact you care is enough, worth a lot more!

Guardian Angel

I heard that if you are in need of help asking for a guardian angel works. Well, I'm ready to believe in anything at the moment, random kindness of strangers, paying it forward, whatever works in helping us out of this situation.

Thinking back to how many times I have helped people and never asked for anything in return. In fact I hate asking anyone for help despite my willingness to come to the aid of others (because it genuinely is better to give than receive.) I inherited this from my father, I can see that as clear as day and interestingly he was often used as a doormat by other people who would take everything from his generous soul.

But I have now asked for help. We shall see if I am deserving enough.

The Truth Really Will Out

I have not to email him again because apparently the emails go through the servers at his work and we wouldn't want them to find out his dirty little secret now would we? Actually not being the type of person who would do that offers me some comfort.

Which explains the unbelievable tone of his email accusing me of taking money off him. The email was for whoever was looking. The answer is too now, only I did not know it at the time. Now whoever he thinks is reading his emails will know the truth.

This is why he was so viciously nasty to me. How long will it be before new girlfriend discovers his nasty side.

It Comes To This

This is the reply I got. I feel my heart sink to my toes, God am I to keep getting this until I crack? Is that what he wants?

Sorry ***** but you are getting no money on Monday. My wages are fully accounted for. I gave you money at the end of the month and said to you then that was all you were getting. ((No he did no such thing!)) I cannot be expected to keep you and myself living in separate lives. I am more than willing to pay for the boys as they are my responsibility ((??? He hasn't paid anything yet)) but ***** you are not my responsibility. ((Never said I was, does he think I have been living off of what he gives me? He hasn't even covered the debts he left us with yet.))

***** you seem to think that I have changed in so many different ways and I have not changed at all. ((So he was always a swine, just kept it well hidden?)) I paid all the bills when we were together ((No because if you had we wouldn't be in this mess)) and I am in no way running away from my responsibilities. ((If you say so but it sure looks like it to me.)) If the shoe was on the other foot yes I would trust you to keep to what arrangement was made. ((Yes and that is my problem, I always keep my word and can be relied upon, more fool me. No glory in being a doormat.)) I have never not paid you money to keep the boys ((??? Did I miss payments somewhere)) and that is the main point here. If you want to make things legal then by all means go to the csa paula. You will only come out of this each month with less money than what you are now. ((Is that a threat or something?))From now on I will pay the money direct into your bank account by standing order. Give me the bank details that you want the money paid into pls. ((Yes I will give you my bank details and watch you rip me off?))

Once again I am left to cry over the phone to my poor mother because I have no other option if I want to stay sane.

Clarifying The Situation

The lies I fell for, fool that I am.

I knew we were in arrears in our rent due to a mix up last year, I believed him when he told me he was paying that off and we only had a tiny amount left to pay. Lie, he paid none of it so therefore I am.

Of the budget I worked out each month, from the amount he told me was there because the statements were always "fine" I carefully organised the bills, which he dealt with and the household money, which I dealt with. The rent was worked out and he always handed the cheque in so where did the rest go?

Also bills such as the gas, which seems to have fallen by the wayside. The amount owed on that is eye-watering yet this was supposed to be paid through bill payments. He would go off with the phone and come back, all is paid, all is well.

He used my credit card for months, without my knowledge, without my consent. Unfortunately for him they sent me an unmarked letter when the limit went over and a payment was missed. What did he spend the money on?

The council tax also wasn't getting paid. I had set up a direct debit which he subsequently cancelled. Again the amount is enough to cause sleepless nights for life, we are talking arrears over several years here.

These are only the ones I have been left with. He owes a lot more to a lot more companies but as they are not attached to this address they have gone off after him. So I am left with the rest.

This is my punishment for trusting and believing in someone and for loving them enough to let them fool me completely. My punishment for being so involved in caring for my twins, in helping out and volunteering and trying to be everything to everybody (including him who I did so much for, nothing was enough and he was never satisfied) and all the time the rot was setting in. The rot that eats at my soul, guilt at never having guessed at what was going on. While we laughed and joked and I wondered why he never joined in wholeheartedly, tried to find out the problem and again and again was fobbed off.

Here I am, left to deal with these, the largest amounts he owes, as far as I know anyway. It feels good though to know that now I am in full charge that the direct debits are sent, the bills paid on time. It is just these debts that cause the problems, I don't have the means to pay them off, he knows this and he knows that while he enjoys his new life he can still control mine through the purse strings.

Its The Same Old Song Playing All The Time

Money, money, money, monnneeey.

So I emailed him the amount he owes, this of course does not include any maintenence for the boys. I have not had one single penny toward that, in fact as he has constantly been short with the money he gives me he is actually taking money away from us. Not that this concerns him of course.

Instead of seeing that I am needing to organise payments to keep the wolves from the door, he sees it as hassling him once again. Which I suppose I am, but what else am I supposed to do? He tells me one thing and then another, he lies and then lies about the lies. He is desperate for me to tell him that I have gotten this job, as he will then see it as a free reign not to bother paying me ever again.

What did we do to deserve this? Why can't he see that all he needs to do is tell me how much he is giving me and when so I know the payments can be made, payments I am having to make because he left me with them? I sometimes want to just scream with frustration, I wonder if his new girlfriend knows this, or am I portrayed as the evil ex constantly hounding him over money (not bothering about the bit where it is the money he owes rather than me so in fact he isn't paying me at all.)

I cannot be bothered with this anymore. Tonight he was screaming about how he will set up a direct debit then he will never have to come to the house again...so you have a bank account says I. Silence, and then denial, no of course not he has to set up one. God will there be one day where he doesn't lie? I am sick of lies, lies, lies, lies, lies. And I see him continuing the same as ever, having learned nothing. I only hope this doesn't cost the girlfriend her car or house.

There has to be a way out of this somehow. I cannot stand it much longer.

Playing Mummy

Saturday, after much deliberation, once again he shouts about having to do things according to "my rules" before getting his own way again. I am so weak yet so fed up of being bullied by him. I state that we never do my rules but always his and it goes without comment.

So, because I need for my sons to see their father I agree to them once again going to his new house. I am very aware of his treating this new girlfriend the way he once treated me. Hold her at arms length from anyone who may just tell her the truth about him. I see him use his sons the way he once used his nephew with me, playing happy families on days out.

He wants unsupervised access but he is playing his game well. He is never unsupervised because his new girlfriend is always there, playing mummy with my sons. She is trying to buy their love and because he does not know or understand them he is allowing her to.

Of course, he can now paint me as the jealous ex. I see the relish in his eyes as he realises this. He does not understand, nor does he wish to, that my annoyance has nothing to do with this poor woman who is alarmingly very like his sister in attitude. To me he acts as though she is demanding to be present at every outing. I know she is there because he cannot look after his own sons himself. He is pretending to her that he is the caring father who is battling his awful ex just to see his own boys. I wonder what he tells her because I would imagine the last thing he would ever want is for me to speak to her directly.

I would bet money that she knows nothing of the debts he left with us. I would bet money that she knows nothing of the way he treated me for years, and I allowed him to I am guilty of that. I would bet money she knows nothing of the lies and manipulation that she has just walked into.

And he is counting on his control of me to remain such that she will never find out.

So he twists the knife. Makes sure her constant attendence for every visit is a source of irritation for me. Joy to him that my sons are confident enough in themselves to like her (not realising that she is to them a friend, I am their mother and that is that.) I see his game, I know his plans and from this moment on I will not enter into it.

Does he want me to be jealous of her? Does he want me to argue, shout, have hysterics? The Stokes family trait, as laid down in law by his mother, is for the smallest thing to become a huge drama. Not for them the idea of finding a solution for a problem, instead the problem would be magnified unnecessarily with much wringing of hands and grand statements. It was never my way, at best I was bemused by the whole rigmarole for every single issue.

Time for this to stop. From now on I must put effort into not partaking of the nonsense. Of taking a step back. Amazingly I have found that in the past few weeks little parts of my character, ones that I thought had died long ago, are resurfacing. The person I once was before I fell for the manipulation and lies is coming back. And about time too.