Thursday 30 August 2007

Have You Heard?

The money issue again. Isn't it always.

He visits, just after lunchtime on Tuesday, he was supposed to visit that evening to see the boys and how I am glad now that he didn't. For had they witnessed what was to happen I don't know how they would have acted.

Here is the money, says he. It is not quite enough to cover HIS debts which I am paying off, there will not be so much as a penny left for the boys. This does not bother me as much as needing a guarantee that he will give me the money regularly - if he doesn't I am sunk. And doesn't he know that.

In his usual manner, perhaps out of embarrassment or guilt at having left his wife in such a situation, he blows up. The shouting could be heard in a house across the street and a good few doors down. I know this, for the neighbour told another one who happens to be a friend. In her words he was "laying in to me."

And I am so glad she heard it. For according to him I was the one who started it, I was the one who did it all, we can't talk to each other and now I am keeping his sons from him. That would be his version then. The truth, as always, is so far removed from what he says as to be in another time zone.

After punching the wall and throwing his mobile phone he left, I told him I no longer wanted him anywhere near the house, he could pop the money in an envelope through the letterbox. I cannot have any more of this. He has no right to keep bullying me and I cannot believe how much of a facade my marriage was, I wanted so much for us to work that I overlooked the control and bullying. I've been a fool.

I have also laid a condition that to see the boys he needs to organise supervised access. I have to admit this, and it is hard, but after Tuesday I am scared. I am scared of how far he will go to put me through a living hell. I am scared how quickly the anger takes over him and how he never seems to remember what has gone on or what he has done (and forget waiting for an apology that is never going to happen.) I need to know my sons are safe. I think I am being more than reasonable, I have tried my best through this, I have bent over backwards so he could see the boys and he continually cancels.

He has said he never wants to speak to me again, he acts like I am the worst person to ever have crossed his path. I know he is playing on my insecurities that go back to childhood, he plays the game well, he plays me well and knows exactly which method will achieve the best results. My insecurity over never being good enough, never being listened to or cared about. I told him all of this and now he uses it against me.

What else will he do, I do not know. But I do know this. I cannot let him drive off with the only things I have left in the world, the ones that are more important to me than anything. Even if he wouldn't do anything to them I guarantee he would be late home, the mobile phone (number keeps changing too) would be turned off and anything else that would send me worrying to an early grave would be done. He would do this to destroy me. I cannot let my boys be used like that. Supervised visits would keep me sane, I would feel my sons were safe and not about to be smacked or shouted at.

I have never felt so alone. I feel a huge burden on me and every time I feel we are getting somewhere there is the shadow of him looming over me ready to kick me back into place. My mother says he does it out of guilt, my friend says it is because I don't cry over him anymore and am living my life. Whatever it is I wish no longer to be a part of his game.

Sunday 26 August 2007

The Knife

Money, money, money


Ah, all the things I could if I had a little money.

ABBA said it best.

He has cancelled tomorrow, he is in a huff. I mention the finances, I mention the debts he has to pay that he thought he was running away from. He is not happy. I have upset him so now it is his turn.

"I was asked out, I was supposed to go out tonight with someone I met at work."

Lucky her.

Although what he does is not concerning me in that direction it is the thought he is using this as a knife to stick in when I annoy him does concern me. Does he think I bother that he is out fishing for dates? What a catch he would make, no money, adulterer, no home. Yet I know him, I know his charm and ability to make you believe in his tales. Whoever she is I feel sorry for her.

Friday 24 August 2007

And Its Getting Better

Apart from the financial side (which will stress and worry me until I pluck up enough courage to contact a solicitor) this is feeling a lot less awful now.

Of course it is difficult when he visits the boys. I cannot speak to him over finances or he goes nuts, again I think I may need a solicitor and I really have never trusted them. I don't trust him either though.

It will all fall into place.

It will get better.

It will be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I have to get out of this town but his ability to get us into arrears with the rent means I am stuck here, I need a miracle. I need a winning lottery ticket. I need to pay off the debts he has left me with even though he promises that he will pay them I believe it when I see it happen.

Inside I am exhausted. Looking after the boys, looking for work, organising and sorting everything out. I just want to lie down and sleep for a week. It is nice having my bed to myself, although I miss cuddles, it is nice to have the house tidy and clean. I will keep telling myself these positives so I no longer feel the loss of a friend (though a false one) and love.

Wednesday 15 August 2007

Power Of Control

This one is easy. Pretending you are in control of things that are so out of control they have ceased to be funny a long time ago. Yet in this pretence the power scale moves, and for once the control is not in his hands. I am no longer under his influence, I had never realised that this was the case before but these new days are enlightening in so many ways. The marriage I thought I had was nothing to the reality.

Now if only I had been the one to win the £35million EuroMillions. Money to never have to worry again, money to be generous to others in similar situations, that would be nice.

Tuesday 7 August 2007

Spanner In The Works

There is always something that happens, completely out of my control.

Postal strikes.

I await paperwork from everything including Child Tax Credits as well as some job applications. The posties seem to be on strike at possibly the worst time for me as until the forms are filled and resent then I won't get money to survive on. It is the small things that have the impact where looking at the larger picture it won't even be noticed. I do not expect them to care, I do not expect them to know and I do not expect I am the only person to be caught up like this.

Just one thing after another.

Friday 3 August 2007

Another Month, Another Dilemma

There are the consequences of separation that go beyond the pain in emotions. The ugly head of debt rears its head, the reality of running two households on very little money, the hoops that have to be jumped simply to get money to live from.

And all the while curling up in a corner and sobbing until sleep seems the option that would be the most satisfying. Still to persevere throughout, to tackle the red tape, the bureaucrats, walking through a river of treacle would be easier. It has to be done, the crying can come later when the details are sorted, it is expected.

There are a couple of weeks left of the summer holidays. This is not what was planned, this is not how we had reckoned on spending the summer. In a few months time shall we look back on this time with relief that it is over? I hope so.

We are in need of a fairy godmother, guardian angel, someone with a lot of money and a generous disposition. I feel that most of all, by trusting in the person with whom I should have been able to trust wholeheartedly, I have let down my sons. And that is what hurts the most.